The Heroine of Time or Link the Big Girly Girl
by Twisted Mackeral
Summary: Link gets turned into a girl, Ranma style; then into a woman, passing of time style; then finally, probably, Princess Zelda, imposter style.
1. I wuv you

Somewhere up in the sky, the Goddesses had uppended a lake. The rain pounded down over all of Hyrule, turning the earth to churned mud, anything more than ten metres away a hazy blur, and a pleasant morning into something thoroughly unpleasant.

It slapped noisily against the leaves of trees and bushes, it gurgled where ever it could. There was nothing a person could wear, could do, that could keep out the rain. It found a way to trickle down the back of it and sitting there, being cold. It was the very annoying sort of rain.

This dreary scene was mostly devoid of life: all farmers and animals had left for shelter long since. Only a small, green, sorry bundle moved through the torrent, along a muddy, stone path leading to Hyrule Town.

A flying ball of evanesance followed at a distance. Occasionally it would fly ahead on its little wings to try and catch a glimpse of the figure's face, but the hood of the cloak it wore shrouded it in darkness.

"Link?" the little ball queried. "Are you mad?"

There was the sound of teeth being ground to powder.

"Linky?" it asked again in a little voice. "You're ignoring me now, aren't you? Link? I said I was sorry."

From out of the depths, a pair of eyes glared at her. They were quite beautiful in a perfect-sapphire, crystal-blue kind of way, but marred by the murderous rage that filled them.

But Navi was persistent. Well...maybe not persistent, just too stupid to know when to shut up.

"Can't we just forget this?"

"Forget _this!"_

The figure suddenly threw back its hood. As the swaves of damp, blonde curls settled, the girl snatched angrily at the dumb fairy before her.

"Navi, if you could die, I would kill you," the teenager growled. She pointed to herself and pulled emphatically at a strand of hair. "Look at me now. I'm a freak!"

Wrenching the hood back down, she marched away into the rain, leaving a stunned little fairy behind.

* * *

Two days earlier...

The high pitched screams of, "you killed our Deku Tree, bastard!" faded into the distance.

They'd finally lost them. As insane with rage and grief as they were, the Kikiri only ever aged to 11 years old. Link, with his extra two years and physical stamina, had managed to outrun them, saving himself and Navi from a brutal death at the pitchfork-wielding hands of a childish mob. Outrunning the hail of rocks had been harder. His back shone with a thousand bruises.

The boy Without A Fairy and his fairy settled to a brisk walk. Navi helped by talking without pause or breath, which helped take the boy's attention away from thinking about all he was leaving behind and the huge enigma that they were walking into.

"A dog runs into a forest. How far does it run for till it starts running out of the forest," Navi piped enthusiastically.

"Yes," said Link, who hadn't been paying attention.

"Wrong! He runs half way in and then he starts running out."

She stuck her tongue out at Link, though it was lost in the luminescence.

"I beated you!"

"Beat," Link corrected automatically.

Navi was only a week old, and therefore liable to make frequent mistakes with simple English. Why the Great Deku Tree (may he rest in eternal peace) had thought to create her knowing innumerable annoying brain-teasers, quotes and saying though, such as the last one, was anybody's guess.

Why he had thought to create her was also a great mystery.

That wooden jerk certainly had a lot to answer for.

Using some unknown connection between the topics, she was now talking avidly about her dislike for eating dried Caracase bird.

It was because of this constant distraction that Link nearly walked straight into the pond. Seemingly out of nowhere it had appeared, and he lurched to a halt. For a moment he balanced perfectly on the edge, arms flailing, the water glistened hungrily below him, like molten diamond, before grabbing hold of the wooden sign beaten into the ground nearby.

'Legendary cursed spring of the Kikiri (Not affiliated with the legendary cursed springs of Jusenkyo),' it read. Beware all who enter this place for, should you bath in these waters, your body shall become that of the sex most fair, and thou shalt be branded a pervert throughout these lands.'

It took a while for Link's brain to process this, mainly because he got distracted at the word 'sex'.

"Whoa!" he yelled, as realisation dawned, and he started to move away quickly. "Thank the Goddess' I didn't fall in that. My vow of becoming a Hero among Heroes would be-"

Someone very small and very annoying, who believed that it would be very funny to see her master get wet, pushed him in the back.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

_SPLASH..._

* * *

So the great Hero had spent his first days in the wide world as a great Heroine, and found the whole experience eye-openingly unpleasant. Thankfully he'd managed to place half a dozen layers of clothing between himself and his new skin.

"How about Latavianya?"

"For the last time, I am not changing my name," Link yelled. "And I'm not buying new clothes or wearing a dress. I'm not gonna marry somebody to settle down with kids. Nor am I gonna find this funny, laugh at it when I'm older or accept this in the slightest. OK! You get that? I won't rest until I find a cure to this."

She paused to see if this had sunk in.

"Shirley I like," Navi smiled brightly.

Link groaned. It was growing dark and she needed sleep.

An outcrop of stone rose up out of the ground nearby. She scrambled up it and finding the most comfortable niche, she slotted herself in it, and settled down for a long, wet night. There was a tarpaulin that she'd packed in his backpack, which she got out and threw over herself.

She pulled the hood further over her face, shut her eyes and tried to sleep.

This certainly wasn't helped by the fact that she hadn't gone to the toilet in two days combined with the gurgling/trickling of the rainwater.

"I think you're in denials."

"Go to sleep, Navi."

Out on the dark, wind-swept plains, a wolfos howled.

The glow dimmed from a bright, confident white to a tiny pink.

"C-c-can I sleep with you tonight?"

Mercifully, Link nodded. The tiny warmth grew closer, slipped inside her drenched cloak, and curled up on her chest.

"Linky?"

"Mmm?"

"What does 'lesbian' mean?"

"Dunno. Why?"

"Its just one of thoses words that appearing in my head. Whatever it is, I think I'm wanting one."

"Maybe it's a type of chocolate bar," Link yawned.

"Yeah, that's probably it. G'night, Latavianya."

"That's not funny," said Link and went to sleep.

* * *

About twenty miles away, in the sleeping town of Hyrule, there stood an ancient temple. The outside was white marble, strangely untouched by the barrage of centuries launched at it. During the day, the walls, awash with murals and religious carvings, glowed in the light flowing through the huge windows but now it was dark and quiet. For a temple though, it was quite bare; there were no benches, no pulpit. Only a small marble alter that stood at the end of the great hall, just a block with three grooves in it.

Through the dark there came a light. Not from anywhere in particular, just apparently radiating from the walls and the air. It was faintly green, and it brought with it a distinct smell of pine and dirt, the feeling of good, soft peat beneath your toes, and a sense of ageless growth.

The light grew in concentration around the altar. It continued to grow, a blazing sphere of verdurousness (I love thesauruses), until it imploded in a blinding flash. Somewhere, a choir of eunuchs sang their lungs out.

The darkness and the silence reclaimed the temple once more. The air cleared.

A pitter-patter of tiny feet crossed the temple floor.

"So this is what legs feel like," the new arrival noted.

* * *

Fairy life-cycles are complex and highly individual. Overnight, Navi had considered deeply her longings for these chocolate bars that interested her so much and had consciously accelerated her aging from the fairy infancy to a more exploratory age, 16. She found this would be the optimum age to offer her the greatest chance to explore these chocolate bar feelings churning within her.

With her new age there came new thoughts and feelings and the full vocabulary she had been longing for the last few days. She felt much calmer now and recalled her frantic gibbering with dread, like a drunk who'd made an ass of theirself.

On a whim, she changed her hair jet black, formed a silver ear ring out of thin air, and summoned up a moody black aura.

Link shifted in her sleep. Navi, warm and snug, was somewhat saddened when the girl woke, looked down and said, "Damn; you're still here."

It was unclear whether she was talking about Navi or her breasts, but the sprite decided it would be best if she apologised anyway.

"I'm sorry for the way I acted, Link. It was thoughtless and stupid of me and you have my promise that I'll do all I can to find you a cure. Can we make out now?"

"What?"

"Can we make up now?"

Gently Link reached down and plucked her out. She raised her to eye level and gave her a stare at where she guessed her eyes where.

"When I'm no longer a girl, then I'll forgive you."

The black aura blazed viciously and the fairy flew away to sulk in the backpack.

She was still there, 6 hours later, when Link arrived outside Hyrule Town gates.

* * *

Don't ask what I was thinking making Navi a lesbian because I have absolutely no idea. 


	2. This is a big chapter for me

Yay. Study leave rocks. So much free time. I guess I should be studying but I probably won't.  
  
This is a longer chapter. I'm a bit unsure about this because I don't usually do such big chapters.  
  
Enjoy anyway. Well, try to.  
  
I'll also be very grateful for helpful advice.  
  
------------  
  
The gates were shut. Link crossed the drawbridge and rapped on the huge doors.  
  
The doors opening completely failed to happen. She stepped backwards, checked that nothing had happened all over the door, and then yelled, "Hey!" very loudly at it in a completely unladylike way.  
  
A weedy little voice on the other side answered: "what?".  
  
"Let me in."  
  
"No," the voice replied.  
  
Navi popped her head out into the cold evening air, styling a moody, purple look.  
  
"What's going on?" she sulked.  
  
"They're not letting us in."  
  
Navi sniffed. "Jerks."  
  
Link turned back to the door. "Why not?"  
  
"Because."  
  
"Because what?"  
  
"Don't you know?" the voice gloated. "The King of Hyrule is in council with the King of the Gerudo. The gates are to remain locked and no one is permitted to enter or leave." That last bit sounded recited from an order.  
  
"How long?"  
  
"As long as it takes."  
  
"You're right," Link hissed back over her shoulder. "He is a jerk."  
  
"Maybe you could use your womanly charms to seduce him," Navi whispered.  
  
Link shot her a look. Thankfully for Navi, it missed, and a boulder a hundred metres away exploded into dust.  
  
Link turned back to the door and sighed. Putting on the most innocent voice she could find, she asked, "may I at least see the face of the man why sees it right to leave a...a girl to fend for herself in the night time wilderness?"  
  
A panel on the door snapped open. A face sprang up at the hole. It was quite ugly- an ugliness stemming from having a constant contemptuous expression- and heavily blighted with acne.  
  
Immediately upon locating the precise location of the offending head, she plunged her fist through the wood of the door, brought up the hand that now held the Kikiri dagger to wrap around the neck, holding the head in place, whilst the dagger cut ever so lightly into the Adams apple. The man gave a little whimper.  
  
"Let me in," Link ordered.  
  
A dozen bolts slid back with metal clacks. She relieved her grip, withdrew her arm, and then kicked the door open before the guard could even think of locking it.  
  
"Thank you," she smiled to the man backed up against the wall as they stepped through.  
  
A tree lined avenue ran into the Town Centre. They walked along the leaf strewn cobbles, glancing occasionally down in interest at what they'd never seen before. They did that a lot, having led sheltered or week long lives before hand. Just imagine that at each new thing they both raised their eyebrows and pretended to know what it was.  
  
A horse and cart trundled past as they entered the square.  
  
"I see the horses have grown wheels here," said Link.  
  
"Nice dog," said Navi.  
  
A few people watched them with curiosity as they stood there; some men selling goods looked out for a possible sale, as did Mrs Higgins (a respectable woman who ran the local pie shop).  
  
"Can we buy a house somewhere, Link? I wanna freshen up."  
  
"I think we stay at an inn for that."  
  
"Oooh. Let's do that then."  
  
Link was about to object, having wanted to find the Princess as soon as possible, who would surely be learned in the matter of curses, but the sudden advance of Mrs Higgins and her tray of pies with green bits on forced her to retreat into the nearest shop, which just so happened to be an inn.  
  
"Two rooms, please," Navi had said, before Link could stop her.  
  
----------  
  
"This IS quite nice," Link admitted.  
  
She was sat at the window seat of the room, looking out onto the scene below. There was a very nice sunset. The majestic Temple of Time reflected this, and was resplendent in its rosy walls. An air of peace hung over the town now that the market was packed away and the crowds had returned home.  
  
Navi came over and gave her neck a hug. "I'm glad you've finally settled in," she said. "Isn't it a thing of beauty?"  
  
Link smiled. "Sure is. I love sun sets."  
  
"Oh. Right, yeah, the sun set."  
  
For the first time, the young Kikirian noticed the fresh look Navi was sporting. "Pink?"  
  
"I'm being trendy," she explained.  
  
"I thought you were a Mosher?"  
  
"No. I was a Mosher this morning but a Goth at dinner time."  
  
Link shook her head in exasperation.  
  
"Whatever. I'm gonna go have a batttttthhhhhh...wash my hair; I'm gonna go wash my hair."  
  
------------------  
  
"I hate you," Link told the girl in the mirror.  
  
She gave a last futile tug at the comb lodged concretely amongst the unholy, matted mess. The mirror girl looked so pathetic struggling with it; she scowled at her and left it in, deciding to concentrate on the larger lumps of dirt, sitting on the edge of the bath to work at it.  
  
When she'd got all the clods, she tried to work the knots out with her fingers with some success. One refused to yield and she yanked at it painfully.  
  
"Oweee," she sniffed, tears springing to her eyes.  
  
-----------------  
  
Navi was fidgeting on the edge of the bed when the bathroom door burst open, and an enraged face appeared.  
  
"Get my sword! It's going off!"  
  
"What?! No. I like long hair."  
  
Ignoring her, Link snatched the sword from the ground and strode back to the bathroom mirror. Navi watched from the doorway, crying tears of mourning.  
  
Ten minutes later, an exhausted, hair-strewn Link stumbled into the bedroom. The sword fell from her shaking hands and clattered to the floor. There were tears pouring down her face, as she dropped to her knees.  
  
Her once luscious, long hair, both male and female, that had reached down to her shoulders and beyond and had been the envy of many, had been cruelly hewn off. It was a shadow of what it had once been.   
  
"What have I done?"  
  
It was a sad, quiet girl who climbed into bed that night. Navi couldn't help but feel guilty, listening to the sniffles in the dark. She wasn't even good enough to sleep with her master, punishing herself by curling up before the cold grate.  
  
Well, in the morning she would make it up to her. It'd be a new start: a good one this time.  
  
------------  
  
She tried. You couldn't fault her on trying, even if you could fault her on pretty much everything else.  
  
Firstly, with infairy strength, she'd managed to drag a foot table 500 times her size out of the downstairs buffet room, up two flights of stairs, along a hallway and into their room. Then she'd gone out into the streets and borrowed a selection of fruits and fancy raw meats from some of the stalls (of course she'd had to do with the food what she'd done with the table and that hadn't exactly done them much good). As a piesta la resistance, she shaped them into a smiley face and scraped most of the blue carpet fluff off  
  
And she'd sat down to wait.  
  
Watching Link waking, you could easily define three different stages. The first was blissful ignorance: her mind couldn't recall anything of the last few days and happily believed it was still a guy.  
  
The second was curiosity: her attention became divided between her groin and her hair, knowing something was gone. She sat up in bed, running her fingers through her hair, yawning, and taking in her surroundings.  
  
The third stage: stark, painful, total recall. Her wild eyes exploded open. Panicky hands grabbed at the nightstand, and held it aloft as a melee weapon, ready to deal out vicious revenge on whoever she saw first.  
  
Sadly, it was the meat and veg face she saw first. The nightstand came crashing down, crushing the foot table, bursting the cucumbers and tomatoes, and spraying meat juices everywhere.  
  
"That was my special breakfast!" Navi yelled.  
  
Link was silent, her hand still clutching the broken leg of the foot table. "Sorry." She grinned foolishly. "Lucky I wasn't hungry, eh?"  
  
"Bitch!" Navi wailed, charging out the room in a rage of destroyed pride.  
  
Link stared blankly at the ruined meal on the floor. She'd been joking, anyway. Why did girls make such little sense?  
  
Little fool. She'd better know the way back.  
  
Passing her hands through her hair, she realised the lack of it. Just when she needed it too. It'd always been there in times of trouble, like a comfort blanket.   
  
She went to check the abomination of style the universe would've certainly bestowed upon her in the mirror. Last night's casualties coated the bathroom floor. She collected them up solemnly. Somewhere, there would be a nice quiet place to bury them. The mirror girl was still there. Link told her how much she hated her and her stupid haircut. Now it came only to ear length. It looked deformed and out of place. A moment's anger that she would pay for years.  
  
Her gaze slid sideways to the bathtub. Sooner or later she'd need a bath. Preferably later. No matter how bad she itched, smelt, or felt, she had the will power to stave it off.  
  
She donned her hood and, scratching and smelling terribly, ventured into town.  
  
------------------  
  
Navi mooched along. People jostled her and the world ignored her, which was making her madder. She felt annoyed and rejected.  
  
About to return home and spill out her problems to Link, she reminded herself that she hated her and that, beneath that warm, appealing exterior beat the cold, soulless heart of a man.  
  
"INCOMING!"  
  
A fairy rocketed past her from above. She heard it find the ground with a small squeak, like a trodden on mouse. It had been distinctly a male fairy, naked too, so she decided to ignore and continue being annoyed.  
  
A voice from the floor behind her said, "I nearly had it that time." It sounded surprisingly happy for a creature that should've had each bone in its body broken.  
  
A door opened. Some people in a house screamed girlishly. 10 metres overhead, a window was pushed open and little, shoeless footsteps stepped out onto the window ledge.  
  
"INCOMING!"  
  
Crunch.  
  
"I was so close."  
  
The process repeated itself again. Navi couldn't help but wince at each bone-breaking skull-splitting thud.  
  
"I'm sure I nearly had it-"  
  
"No, you didn't," she snapped, spinning on him. "You were nowhere near and...and..."  
  
"Navi?"  
  
"Great Deku Tree?"  
  
Fairies have a highly developed sense of soul. They have the ability to recognise souls no matter what body or thing it is housed in. It is not unusual for a fairy to suddenly pick up a rock or uproot a tree, take it home, and start talking to it like an old friend because usually, it is.  
  
Navi would've recognised that ancient spirit anywhere; the great wisdom, the power, the weight of thousands of years memories were tangible even though the old coot was nearly drunk on the excitement of flying.  
  
He'd begun edging back towards the house, his young fairy body shaking in excitement and glistening with perspiration. Navi felt, suddenly and inexplicably, rather ill.  
  
"I'm not exactly a tree no more," he panted through the insane smile. "Or great for that matter. I've dropped all the 'thees' and 'thous'. Just a second."  
  
He ran into the house and was soon stood on the ledge.  
  
"Have you tried this?" he yelled. "You gotta try this."  
  
He jumped. He fell. He crashed. He laughed.  
  
"What are you doing back here? I saw you die."  
  
The reincarnation of the forest deity waved that away vaguely. "Oh, change of plans. It seems something has happened to mess things up. The boy's destiny has been derailed from its metaphorical tracks and, if I don't do something about it, That What Must Be will never come to pass." he waved that away too. "Apparently," he added.  
  
A queasy feeling had entered Navi's stomach. She felt like the player who's just scored the own goal that relegated the club. She could feel the heat flowing round up her neck and over her face.  
  
"This...this something...um...what exactly...was it?"  
  
"They didn't say."  
  
"They?  
  
"The Three. You know what I've never done? Eaten. Do you want to eat something?"  
  
Glancing nervously skyward, Navi stuttered, "s-sure. How about something to drink? You ever been drunk before?"  
  
-------------  
  
"So then...then I says to her, I says...you're a very beautiful goddess, d'you know....that? And, if you weren't made out of solid gold, I-I could just...lick you up.""  
  
Deku furrowed his eyebrows and swayed on the ashtray on which he sat. He waved his beer wildly, sloshing it over the green metal table and over Navi. She didn't mind much- she barely even knew where she was.  
  
Half a day ago, they'd stumbled over this open cafe and the owner had given them his own private bottle of whiskey and two thimbles, and then retreated into his kitchen in fear.  
  
"You have pretty hairs," Deku smiled.  
  
Further up the road, the opening of the castle gates went completely unnoticed by the two drunks. Only when the huge black horse with the glowing red eyes and the pitch black armour burst forth and pounded down the road did they notice anything and only because the force of its passing had made them spill their beer.  
  
"Ya jerk!" Navi yelled.  
  
"There's...there's something about that........guy on that....really, really, really big dog," Deku pondered, as the thunderous hoof beats disappeared into the distance. "I-I'm quite sure it was imp...imp....what was I doing again?"  
  
A heavy built man passed up the street, heading towards the open gates of the castle. He was pushing a trolley and on that trolley were balanced a dozen kegs.  
  
Navi sniffed the air.  
  
"Wine."  
  
Eventually they managed to find their way onto the street and, zigzagging and singing wildly, followed the booze. 


	3. What did you do to my hero?

Thank god I don't care about this. I mean it's fun but it isn't my best and its not exactly making the most sense.  
  
Extra points to anybody who noticed the change in style from first chapter to thecurrent one. This is from reading Hitchiker's Guide whilst writing the first and reading Sahara by Michael Palin later on. I'm such an impressionably youth. I pick up styles from everyone and then make them bad. It's a knack.  
  
If anybody tells me which they prefer then I'll try to stick with that one.  
  
-------------------------  
  
12:15. The changing of the guards.  
  
Link observed the operation from her viewpoint on a hill overlooking the grounds. Slowly, she eased herself forward on her belly, closer to the edge, then swung her legs over, hung, and dropped. She did a perfect roll as she landed.  
  
A guard stood not 5 metres away on the other side of the castle gates, yet had heard nothing. Deaf git.  
  
Brushing off her outer layer of clothing, she spotted a problem she'd overlooked: it was black, and would stick out like anything against the light green lawns. The clothes underneath was of a dark green hesian-type material. Grudgingly, she pulled away her thick cloak and hid it behind a bush. That only left her with four more layers. Worse still, her head was uncovered, revealing her head and destroyed hair. It made her feel horribly open.  
  
She started over the grounds, dodging the badly positioned, half-blind guards with ease. The main entrance was guarded by two sentries so there was no way in that way. To the right the castle was fenced off, to the left the land rose in a sheer cliff, which she climbed. She jumped down at the other side.  
  
Splash.  
  
A mass of soaked cloth floated down the moat, passed the two sentry guards, and clambered out where the moat turned the corner of the castle.  
  
"I hate you," Link growled to the heavens, peeling off the soaked shirt and trousers.  
  
She was down to three.  
  
The drawbridge was up. There was no way in that way. Skirting the walls, she discovered a small, round hole about two foot in diameter, spewing a torrent of clear water into the moat. She leapt the moat and peered through. The coast was clear.  
  
Halfway crawling through it, she stuck fast. No matter how much she struggled she was too fat to go any further. When she tried to go backwards, she couldn't do that either.  
  
"Hey!"  
  
It kept getting better and better. Hands grabbed her legs and tried to pull her backwards, which did nothing but give her a lot of pain. She kicked out with her boot and felt it connect. As the guard reeled, she kicked her legs out of her jeans and squirmed out of her fleecy shirt. She fell out into the inner gardens just as hands clawed at the hole, taking with them the clothes she'd hoped to save.  
  
Down to two now. The disturbing shape of her body was now all too easily discernible through the old forest tunic and her pyjamas.  
  
Beyond the walls could be heard running footsteps and yells. The guard was alerting the others. She hurried further into the castle.  
  
It was pleasant here. The grass was perfect and cut short. Glorious polished statues, made of marble and fancy glass came at intervals. The sun was directlyoverhead and shone down through the sheer, grey granite walls on each side. The young Kikiri passed them all, staring in wonder at the magnificence of it all.  
  
Shortly, he came to a place filled with many dense bushes and was about to walk into them when quietened voices made him stop and duck down.  
  
"You father didn't believe you?"  
  
A girl, well spoken and angry, replied: "that blinkered fool didn't head a single word I said. He says that Ganondorf will be too great an ally for me to ruin it with a silly dream." Her tone grew scornful. "He says the man and the storm stemmed from an unnecessary fear of the Gerudo King's power, whilst the boy represents my eagerness to be betroved." Throwing away all dignity, she gave a scornful snort of laughter.  
  
"This boy; tell me about him, my Princess."  
  
"He came from the South, from the great woods that lie there. Wielding a green diamond, he fought back the black clouds that threatened to engulf the world."  
  
"What did he look like?"  
  
"He came garbed in green," the Princess said, and Link liked to think she caught something akin to eagerness in her voice. "He was...blonde, with long, fine hair."  
  
"What did he do, Princess?"  
  
"He did nothing!" Zelda snapped hurriedly.  
  
"You said he fought back the storm, Princess," her friend soothed.  
  
"Oh," Zelda muttered. "He held the Sapphire Jewel aloft and the tempest was rent in two. It retreated to the horizon and never troubled these lands again. Do you believe me, Impa?"  
  
"Of course, child. If you will allow me and there is nothing more, I would like much to consult my elders on this matter."  
  
"Of course."  
  
Link heard someone rise. She shrank back as a man in silver armour came through a gap in the bushes. At least, she thought it was a man...  
  
-----------  
  
Coincidentally, five stories up from where Link now crouched in a cold store room filled with wine kegs, Navi had carefully kept herself half-sober and finally gauged Deku's drunkenness as being severe enough to risk telling him the truth. He could hardly see, couldn't walk, and seemed to be having problems remembering anything for five seconds, which was perfect for her.  
  
"Deku?"  
  
"Ya?" asked the new fairy, who was laid out on the windowsill, soaking up the sun, and looking longingly at the air.   
  
Navi took a deep breath. "You see the thing is......IturnedLinkintoagirlsorrysorrysorry."  
  
Deku, who had pulled himself to the edge and was looking down, said, "wha? Whossat down there?"  
  
------------  
  
Link edged closer. There sat Zelda on a stone bench, alone. Link glanced round quickly. Yup, definately alone.  
  
The Princess' back was turned to her and her head was down as she laboured away at a pad of paper with a big green pencil. Occasionally, she would stare into a space and sigh dreamily.  
  
Link craned her neck, trying to get a sight of what she drew. All she could tell, was that there was a lot of green involved.  
  
A shadow fell of Zelda. She turned to see where it was coming from and before Link could even try and explain...  
  
"Who in the name of the three goddess' are you?"  
  
"Um...I'm Link, your majesty. I've been told to find you and seek your aid. I   
  
think I'm the boy in your dreams."  
  
Zelda gave a very good and highly practised we-are-not-amused look.  
  
"You're a girl," she said flatly.  
  
"Er...yeah, kinda. But I'm also a boy. Er, was."  
  
"GUARDS!"  
  
"No, please...I can prove it to you." She fumbled in her clothes, looking for the sacred stone.  
  
"GUARDS! GUARDS! GUARDS!" Zelda screamed, as she got the wrong idea.  
  
As a last resort, Link pulled off her shirt, trying to point out the greenness below, but that did nothing but convince her that she definitely wasn't a boy.  
  
"Guaaaaaarrrddddssss!!!"  
  
"Please, hear me out."  
  
But twenty guards were already charging from out the castle buildings. Some formed a defensive ring around the future queen. The others cracked their knuckles loudly.  
  
Link backed away from them, hands outstretched, trying to look as innocent as her pride would allow.  
  
"I'm sure we can work something out."  
  
A guard rugby tackled her from behind. Soon she was being escorted from back to the town.  
  
---------------  
  
"What in Din's holy name have you done to my hero!?" Deku roared, all trace of drunkenness evaporating in rage.  
  
Navi shrank back. "Um...sorry."  
  
"Sorry? Sorry!?" He sank his head in his hands. "Now I get it," he sighed. "Why the future has changed. Zelda was destined to help Link complete his quest out of her deep love for him. Without her help, her support, and her love Link will surely fail."  
  
Deku paced the room in anxiety, muttering to himself.  
  
"Can I help?" Navi asked timidly.  
  
"Do you have a time machine?"  
  
"Um...no."  
  
"Shut up then."  
  
He continued his pacing for several minutes until he finally shook in head in resignation.  
  
"There's nothing we can do?"  
  
"There are two things we can do. Number one: we find a cure, return Link to his male form and get them back together in time for Zelda to help him. But then of course finding the cure will take time and it won't be more than a week before the royal family is massacred and Zelda flees into hiding. The second plan- and the goddesses REALLY aren't going to like this- the second plan is that we make an incredibly powerful love-potion, feed it to the Princess and get her interested in Link no matter what."  
  
Navi gave this a moments thought. Fantasy scenarios flickered through her head.  
  
"Let's do the second one." 


	4. The hardest thing about writing new chap...

**The Magical adventures of Link**

Its quite anoying. I keep subconsciously putting 'he' whilst writting about Link and 'she' whilst writing about Sheik. If I've done that then can somebody tell me.

* * *

"You see, learn from me and I can teach you how to brew fame, bottle glory and even put a stopper in death within a week."  
  
"But can you make Zelda love a girl?"  
  
"That will be a hard one," Deku said darkly, crumpling compressed bat bones into the bubbling water. "It will require every scrap of potion-brewing prowess I have and then some. I must delve deeper than I have ever delved before, tinker with the darkest art, raise demons in the blink of an- pass us that spoon, will you?"  
  
Navi passed him the silver spoon- twice as big as he was. He stirred it.  
  
"Is it ready yet?" Navi whispered, peering wide eyed into the pot.  
  
Deku gave her a comptemptious glance. "All I've made sofar is a rather weak bat bone gravy. Do you really think a weak bat bone gravy would ever make anybody love anybody?"  
  
"What's it taste like?"  
  
"Terrible."  
  
"Oh. Guess not then. Anything I can do yet?"  
  
Deku pointed. "Powdered foot of infidel. Top shelf. One toenail should do it. Then I want you to go get some of Link's hair."

* * *

The hotel room was dark when she got back, tiny hair bag dangling at her side. She stepped carefully into the room and spotted Link's blazing red aura burning on the bed.  
  
"Who goes there?"  
  
"How many small, glowing friends do you have?" Navi was just warming up for the period of adolescence of intense cynical and sarcastic remarks. Thankfully, it was a phase that would last only a few hours.  
  
The girl on the bed sat up. Navi noticed how scared and paranoid she was getting now that her protective layers had been torn away. The Kikiri dagger had been placed on the bedside table, which had apparently been replaced over the course of the day.  
  
Navi could understand why: her keen eyes pierced the darkness and found a young woman with a pretty, round face. Her body was just maturing towards womanhood and it was maturing well. The tunic she wore was growing short, allowing most of her legs to show, as she crouched there on the covers. The shirt was growing tight across the chest too, and she was breathing a little heavily because of it. Had she not been such a fierce fighter, Navi may have worried for her being all alone.  
  
Still, she couldn't help feeling somewhat responsible.  
  
"Do you want me to light the fire? Its freezing in here."  
  
"No, I'm fine. It's just a bit chilly, that's all."  
  
Navi nodded. She moved into the bathroom. There were still some hair down the back of the sink that Link hadn't found and she stuffed it in her bag.  
  
"Err, Link?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I'm gonna go buy you some new clothes, OK? You gonna be OK while I'm gone?"  
  
"Course."  
  
"And I'm sorry for what I said this morning."  
  
"I'm sorry for what I did to your meal."

* * *

"He's obviously trying to stamp his masculinity," Deku explained, throwing ripe dewberries in the mix. "He's feeling lost and weak so is trying to show he's still physically strong by enduring the cold." He shook his head. "Nice job you've done with this one, Navi. He's a nervous wreck."  
  
"Me? He was fine on the way here."  
  
"Ah, but there was nobody around to judge him then. Here there's hundreds. 'A man is made By the people who judge him'- always remember that. And the failure today won't have done much good neither. Hero's aren't meant to fail, and they take it very badly when they do." The ancient deity paused to think. "Imagine being rejected by somebody you know loves you. That must be odd."  
  
"Anything else, sir?"  
  
"No, I should be fine from now on. You'd better get back."  
  
"What do I do about-"  
  
"Try to keep him happy and occupied. Give him tasks to do like unscrewing bottle caps or DIY. Complement often and never point out failures. Have manly drinking competitions with him or something. Hopefully, I'll have this all sorted out by morning."

* * *

Deku lived up to his word, if you can call it sorted out. The end result was stupider and more complex than anything they started out with, but it covered the wounds in destiny for now, though at a price of a great deal of scars.

* * *

TAP  
  
"Wa?"  
  
TAP  
  
"Navi, go see what's tapping on the window."  
  
TAP  
  
"No. I'm asleep. You go."  
  
Link slid from the warm bed. It was just growing light beyond the thin, brown curtains. She yawned, stretched, and shuffled over to them.  
  
TAP  
  
There it was again: the sound of rock on glass. She threw back the curtains and opened the window.  
  
A pebble flew past her face, into the room and clattered along the floor.  
  
"What light through yonder window breaks. It is the East, and Link is the sun."  
  
Link was in neither the mood nor the right time of day for this. She glared blearily down at the fuzzy, blue figure stood in the square.  
  
"Are you throwing rocks at my window?"  
  
With a sudden movement and a burst of light, the figure had vanished. Link leant out further, but couldn't see the mysterious person anywhere.  
  
"Okaay," Link said, turning back to bed. "Whatev- ARGH!"  
  
The figure was stood before her, panting ever so slightly. She found herself backing away a little from the gaze of the blood red eyes. They were all she could see of the face: the rest of it hidden by ornamental bandages.  
  
It dropped to one knee (which completely scared the hell out of Link).  
  
"Who are you?" she demanded.  
  
"My name is Sheik. I am off the Sheikan tribe, destined to protect the Royal Family as long as they live. Please forgive my intrusion, but I bring urgent news from the Princess of - of -"  
  
"Hyrule?" Link helped.  
  
"You have such beautiful eyes," Sheik gasped.  
  
"No, I don't!"  
  
"Oh, but you do," he breathed. "A man could drown in them."  
  
Across the room, disgusted at the man's manner and confused at the whole situation, Navi grabbed the Kikiri sword and threw it to Link who caught it by the hilt and held the point against Sheik's throat.  
  
He didn't even notice. His hand stretched out and gently caressed her cheek. The sword point shook.  
  
"What does the Princess want?" Link snapped, moving herself out of reach of the man. "Tell me and get out."  
  
"The Princess begs for your forgiveness. With all her heart and soul she wishes she could take back such cruel words that she spake upon thee this day hence."  
  
"She believes me?"  
  
"Every word. She understands how mistaken she was in her translation of her dream, and that the boy she saw so obviously represented you, my lady."  
  
"Err. That's not exac-"  
  
"She has so very much she wants to tell thee but feels she cannot for fear of worrying such a pretty head as yours, fair maiden." Sheik thrust out a hand, a crumpled piece of parchment written with green ink in it. "What you must know is all in here.  
  
"Farewell, my beauty."  
  
And in a flash and a dreamy sigh, he had gone.

* * *

"You idiot! You've only gone and cursed the wrong person!"  
  
Deku yawned and gave her a steely glare. "Of course I haven't. I'm a professional. I administered the drug myself whilst she slept."  
  
"Well somewhere along the line she must've thrown up in somebody's mouth 'cos now we've got some obsessive guy named Sheik coming to visit her."  
  
"Sheik did you say? Curious. He isn't set to appear for another seven years. Well, if you can call him a he..."

* * *

In the highest room of tallest tower of Hyrule Castle that was the Royal Bedchamber of the Princess, Zelda cried as she pulled off the trousers, remove the shirt, slid the contact lenses (don't ask) from her eyes, and put on her least favourite dress (the pink one with the frills and the flower.  
  
"Why must we lie to the ones that we love?" she wept, as she left slipped open the tower door.  
  
She knew the answer of course. As stunningly beautiful and rich as she was, she knew the girl she loved would never accept her for what she was.  
  
Such terrible cruelty of fate.  
  
---------  
  
"And that's the truth," Deku finished.  
  
"Wow."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Do we tell him?"  
  
They exchanged glances.  
  
"Best not complicate matters," Deku said sagely, as if things were already perfectly simple. "He believes he is still being a hero despite his disability and to tell him otherwise would, um, destabilise his...emotional state again."  
  
"Yeah," said Navi. "That'll do."  
  
"So, this letter. What did it say?"

* * *

_'Dear Link,  
  
Alas, I cannot deliver this message myself as I must tend to urgent state business. I hope you will not think me rude because of it. Instead, I have sent it with my most trusted of servants, Sheik.  
  
What I say now must stay between you and me. Much of what I tell you are Royal family secrets. After reading this, may you destroy every last trace of it.  
  
The legend goes that the goddess created the world and the many beauteous things in it_ (the next bit was hastily scribbled out). _Once finished, they departed this realm. At the point that they left, a golden artefact was created called the triforce. Anybody to hold this in their hands would be bestowed with unimaginary power and rule over all. Because of this, it was locked away at the doorway between our realm and the sacred realm into which the golden ones departed, behind the Door of Time that lies in the Temple of Time. I believe a very evil man named Ganondorf is trying to gain control of the triforce. Should he succeed, it would mean the end of the world.  
  
'Three jewels control the opening of this door. The one you own is the Kikiri emerald. At death mountain lies the Goron ruby. The Zora sapphire is held by the princess of Zora domain.  
  
'You must find all three and bring them back here before Ganondorf does.  
  
'I wish you all the luck in the world. I and Sheik will aid you as much and as often as we can.  
  
'Love Zelda.'  
_  
Link finished reading the letter and then shredded it into her cornflakes and poured milk on them.  
  
She'd finally got the guts to come out of her room, still shaky and angry after the Sheik incident, and had headed straight for the buffet. The occupants of the room watched her with curiosity as she destroyed the important document.  
  
Still, she was pleased to have a new aim. She'd immerse herself in her work, probably not even notice her curse, get back in a few days, and then she would completely devote herself to finding a cure.  
  
Just as she was wondering where Navi had gotten to, the sprite appeared around the door archway. So did another fairy.  
  
"Link," said the Navi fairy. "This is Deku."


	5. Oweee

They were back on the road again. Ahead of them lay open fields and, in the distance, the huge, misty bulk of Death mountain, the morning mist still clinging to its summit. The day was a cold one, with a hint of drizzle.  
  
"And that's exactly what the afterlife is like," Deku concluded in response to Link's question. "What's it like being a woman?" Link snapped her head round. "OK, bad question. Navi, what's it like being a woman?"  
  
Suddenly found himself melting under the twin glares, he made a mental note never to ask that question ever again.  
  
"Do you think you can cure me then?"  
  
"Well, that would depend on the a whole range of factors. Err, the spring you fell in, the location, what time of day, so on."  
  
In short, the answer he was hiding was 'probably not'. Being a deity gave you pretty much unlimited access to any knowledge regarding the occult, magical artefacts, and strange, unexplained phenomenon. For example, he knew for a fact that the Hylian loach was just a really, really big fish, and not a monster as commonly believed. But he'd never heard of any springs before or any cures.  
  
They continued on in sullen silence. Deku thought he should say something uplifting.  
  
"There's the armour of mascunity, of course. Worn by each Gerudo King ever born and said to contain magical powers."  
  
"Will that cure me?"   
  
"Err, yeah, probably. Should give you muscles the size of houses too."  
  
Catch 22 though was that, to get the armour, she'd have to tear it off the cold, dead corpse of the Gerudo King currently wearing it and, as she was now a girl, the chances of her turning him into a cold, dead corpse were decidedly slim. It'd been a close shave that the male Link had succeeded in defeating him.  
  
They came across a river flowing north, and walked further along the banks until they came across a crudely build wooden bridge, which creaked suspiciously as they crossed it. The natural wall of Kakariko village was coming into view. They could see the steps leading up through the rock face.  
  
"D'you wanna jog the last bit?" Deku asked, who, for the first time in existence, was finding the rain uncomfortable and annoying.  
  
Link and Navi exchanged glances.  
  
"He...he can't run," Navi mumbled, as Link hung her head. "It...hurts."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Navi flew over to where Deku was sat on Link's backpack and whispered in his ear. He blushed and, when he said, "isn't there anything you can do about that?" he tried to hide the annoyance in his voice.  
  
Link laughed. " What am I gonna do? Wear a bra?"  
  
The laugh didn't last very long. It petered out and died in fear.  
  
"No. Nonononono. I am not- I can run fine, watch."  
  
She set off at a sprint.

* * *

"Oww. Oweee. Oww, that hurts. It REALLY hurts."  
  
She reached the top of the stairs and collapsed on the floor, gasping in pain. The two fairies gave her meaningful looks.  
  
"I...am...not...gonna...do...it," she gasped.  
  
"Son, how much do you love your country?"  
  
"I...was...pretty..attached..to..my treehouse..back..home. But this place…sucks."  
  
"Ok, bad question again. How much would you like to get this whole thing over with, find a cure, and get laid with an immensly gratefully Princess?"

* * *

Twenty minutes later, a red faced girl exited a small shop that stood beside the windmill and lunged unsuccessfully at the two fairies she'd ordered to wait outside. She stormed across the village to the gate leading to Death mountain. The guard tried to stop her. There was a brief argument, which ended in him being thrown across the village and landing in a crumpled heap in a chicken pen before the word 'defenceless' had even finished echoing.

* * *

It wasn't so much a mountain, Link thought as she clambered up the side, more just a huge lump of ugly, shapeless rock that somebody had plonked beside a village. The goddesses must've gotten bored when did this bit.  
  
"Ello," a voice croaked.  
  
And some of the rocks talked too, and grew arms, legs, and a face. Which was annoying when you've just put your hand in its mouth as a handhold.  
  
"Where you going, then?"  
  
With annoyance, she realised it was following her, waddling after her on its two stumpy legs.  
  
"Ere? You aint goin' up our mountain, are ya?"  
  
"No" Navi said. "We were going to the toilet but got lost."  
  
"Very lost, I'd say," said the Goron, who was too dim to grasp sarcasm. "No toilets up here, no sirree. We lorst our toilet when ol' Gropelopel 'et five 'undred bomb flowers. Blew it right through the wall 'e did. You know what?"  
  
When they refused to reply, he answered anyway.  
  
"You're the second person this week who's climbed our mountain," the walking rock announced proudly.  
  
Link was genuinely surprised that somebody else had bothered to visit these annoying creatures.  
  
"Oh yeah. Big, 'uge fella he was. 'Uge, black armour an' all. Muscles like boulders."  
  
"Didn't happen to leave any of his armour, did he?" Deku asked  
  
"'Fraid not."  
  
The flattened bit of ground that passed for a path finally flattened out as they reached the sumit, continued on and vanished down a tunnel from which the sound of many hammers doing what hammers do best floated out of it.  
  
"You goin' in our mine, then?"  
  
"Unfortunately, it looks like it."  
  
The torch-lit corridor led steeply down into the depths of the mountain. The tumultuous banging grew louder and louder, filling their ears and pummelling their minds into oblivion.  
  
And then they came out into the central chamber and the roar became unbearable.  
  
The hall was truly huge: two hundred metres wide and six floors deep, the ground vanished through the mist of rock particles that floated down. Around a thousand Gorons lined the walls on each floor, banging away at them with huge, iron hammers with such brute force that the mountains shook with it. The air thumped against their skin. The fairies, at risk of being jarred senseless, hid in Link's backpack.  
  
"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!" the heroine yelled at a nearby mining Goron, but her cries were drowned immediately. It wouldn't have made any difference if she'd yelled in his ear. Link tested and proved that anyway.  
  
Tapping on its heavily working shoulder failed too. She found a rock and smashed it against the side of its head.  
  
Finally it turned and mouthed, 'you say suming?'  
  
"LEADER! LEADER!"  
  
She mimicked putting on a crown.  
  
The Goron smiled toothily.  
  
"You have very nice breasts," it observed, with the air of a professional critique.  
  
"WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR WHAT YOU- OH, NEVER MIND!"  
  
She decided she'd work her way down through the levels, looking for Rubies and leaders as she went.

* * *

Sorry to end the chapter soon but I'm not sure how to do the dungeons. I'd hate to get bogged down in them but I'd hate to skip them completely. What about a quick overview and then the boss?  
  
I wont write any more till I know what everybody wants doing. That way I can't get blamed when I screw it up. Plus it stops me getting blamed for bad pacing. 


	6. weeeeeeeeeee

Four floors down, Link was starting to figure out why these creatures were so intolerably stupid. For the last 5 minutes, she'd been trying her best to decide what she would like to do to the species as a whole but, whenever she thought of a good idea, it was smashed straight out of her head and lost. It was literally too loud to hear herself think.  
  
"I HATE THIS GODESSDAMN PLACE!" Link yelled as she stepped onto the final floor.  
  
"I beg your pardon, ma'am?"  
  
"Eh?"  
  
She flicked her ears, testingly. The banging had stopped, though there was still a great deal of ringing going on. Staring upwards, she could see the Gorons still smashing away with as much delirious umth as they had before. But the hammer blows were rebounding from the walls in silence.  
  
"I'm deaf," Link gasped.  
  
"No no, madam. A common mistake."  
  
She blinked and looked down. There was a Goron in a suit. A neat, black toupee rolled around on its hard, bald head and a neat, black handle bar moustache took pride of place over the rest of the head. She was getting a distinct butlerish feel from it.  
  
It gave a sweeping bow. "Welcome to the Royal Depths."  
  
"Eh?"  
  
Like the other floors, it was very big. But the walls were smooth, the floor flat, and rich tapestries bestowed the walls. All of this was covered in a thick layer of fine rock powder that rained down from above. A tiny Goron was running up and down, collecting this dust off the floor with its hands, and placing it in a small urn that I guessed was a crude likeness of a Goron. Very crude.  
  
Gradually, the ringing subsided. I became aware of two noises and one no noise. An orchestra playing soothing music nearby and something crying behind the curtained off area at the other end were the noises.  
  
The no noise came from an ugly, ancient, and withered Goron that sat in the very centre. Its eyes, hidden by a thin mane of snow white hair, were staring directly upwards. There was a tiny hammer in its hand which it was hitting against an anvil so fast that its arm was a blur. Yet, like the hammer blows on all five floors above, no noise came from it.  
  
"Grandpapy Goron," the butler Goron explained, following my gaze. "He beats the anvil for every beat of the hammers above, thus canceling each other out and allowing the royal family to live in perpetual silence."  
  
"Oh," Link said.  
  
"It's all to do with waves you see," Butler explained further.  
  
"Oh," Link said.  
  
"Err, its magic."  
  
"Ah," Link said.  
  
"I assume you've come to see Darunia?"  
  
"No, the King."  
  
"This way please. And, may I say, you're looking radiant today? Very perky and established."  
  
"Err, thank you."  
  
The tiny butler led her across the floor, past the aged thing, through the gently falling mist, up to the velvet curtain.  
  
"I'm afraid Darunia isn't feeling his best." He turned to the curtain, saying: "Sire? Sire? We have a guest."  
  
"Tell her to go away!"  
  
"That would hardly be polite, Sire."  
  
"I don't care! Tell him to get lost!"  
  
Butler shrugged. "Just go in."  
  
Tentatively, Link drew back the curtain and slipped inside.  
  
"I THOUGHT I SAID........oh."  
  
There was something about that 'oh' that disturbed her.  
  
An enormous landform/ Goron propped itself up on the hundreds of velvet cushions crushed beneath it. Tombstone teeth formed what it probably thought was an inviting grin. It lifted a massive arm to wipe away the tears that coursed down its face like a river down a mountain.  
  
"Excuse me, m'lady," it apologised in quite regal tones. "I am hardly in a fit state to see you."  
  
He held out a hand. Link went to shake it, but found it gripped strongly but gently and being brought towards its gaping mouth. She snatched it back. He didn't even notice, kissing his own hand whilst staring intently at her face.  
  
"What is it you desire?"  
  
"The Goron Ruby," Link said flatly.  
  
"We shall walk as we talk. BUTLER! Get my best cloak!"

* * *

"Of course he didn't know that it was his wife," Darunia boomed, laughing.  
  
They'd walked their way back to the highest level, and Link had long since given up saying 'hmmm', 'that's interesting', 'how funny', and 'you're a very entertaining man'. This was partly because the King couldn't hear a single word she said, but it was mainly because they were all lies.  
  
"That's the end of the tour. I'll show you the guys." Like they hadn't been walking past them for the last hour.  
  
He pounded his expansive chest a few times, opened his mouth, and roared a single blast of noise that spread out in a visible wave of air. It is the single trait needed to become King of the Gorons. Each and every Goron stopped at the sound and turned.  
  
"Hi guys."  
  
"HI, KINGEY," the crowd, as a Goron, roared.  
  
"We have a guest today."  
  
He patted Link on the back, effectively throwing her to the edge of the ledge, in full view of everyone.  
  
The hellos, 'oooh's, 'ahhh's, 'nice breasts's, 'those are very nice breasts's, and 'can I touch them?'s all merged into a massive wall of sound, smashing her backwards again. Darunia caught her in a protective hand.  
  
"What d'ya say, guys? Shall we give her our sacred stone?"  
  
"YEAH!"  
  
"That's it then. You can have it."  
  
"But you don't even know anything about me?"  
  
A Goron was running down the tunnel connecting the cavern to the outside world, screaming.  
  
"You look trustworthy to me," Darunia laughed, smashing her on the back again.  
  
The Goron stumbled to a halt at Darunia's feet.  
  
"It's breakin' through the outer defences, cap'n," it yelled.  
  
"'Course, if I didn't like you so much I'd probably send you on a suicide mission into a recently besieged Cavern, but-"  
  
"We canna hold it. It's too strong."  
  
"But one so fair and-." He was trying his best to ignore the little mite running about his legs, even attempting to smush it with his feet.  
  
Twelve and a half Gorons were pounding down the tunnel, screaming a single word that finally got through to him and every single Goron in the room.  
  
"Dragon!"  
  
The roof then chose its moment to cave in.  
  
With a deep boom, the roof sagged like tarpaulin beneath water. A chunk the size of a small house came away, tumbled down through the levels, and crushed a fair number of Gorons. It was half a minute before any of them thought to say oww.  
  
A gaping, toothy mouth in an ugly head at the end of a long, serpentine neck appeared at the hole. It roared, spraying burning spit everywhere. Two claws started to tear the hole larger.  
  
The Gorons had gone insane, screaming and running round in small circles and accidentally falling off the edge. Darunia stood among them, calm as a boulder, roaring orders at the top of his lungs. A few were actually responding, such was the power of his voice.  
  
Team Suicide consisted of the biggest and stupidest Gorons. It worked by them being too slow to realise the sheer stupidity of what they were doing. They wielded massive hammers.  
  
Team Unnecessary Massacre was everybody else and aimed to give the attacking Dragon a deadly case of indigestion.  
  
The hole was large enough, and the whole scaly body slid through. It dropped, wings unfolding like leather umbrellas. It must've had a wing span of fifty metres. A wave of flame burst forth from its mouth, scorching a level and its occupants to cinders.  
  
"Team Suicide, GO!"  
  
The twenty brave and stupid souls jumped from the ledge and hurtled downwards, hammers raised. Only two managed to find their target, smashing into each wing with such force that they must've been broken. The beast gave an ear ripping screech, tumbling further down, yet regained itself and snapped the two warriors off. It started to sweep along, burning, clawing, and sweeping Gorons into its salivating mouth.  
  
"Do I have to?"  
  
Deku smacked her sharply on the back of the head.  
  
"Of course. You're the Hero...you know what I mean. I'd leave the backpack here."  
  
"Coward," she hissed, dumping it.  
  
She unsheathed her sword and made a mental note to shit in her pants when she had the time. Before she could even think about it, she ran and jumped.  
  
The dragon flew and writhed below. Why couldn't it hold still for five seconds? She adjusted her trajectory.  
  
Something was on its back. She'd missed it before because of its relative small size and same black colour. Whatever it was, she was heading straight for it.  
  
She landed and instantly started grappling around for something to grab onto to stop herself rolling straight off. Her hands wrapped around a heavily armoured arm. She met eyes for a moment with pure evil, balls of burning fire staring out of a bleached skull. Only for a moment though before a deeply ingrained, hero instinct made her kick the thing off.  
  
That left her in full control of an irritable, teenage, mountain dragon. Pulling herself up onto where its previous rider had sat, she grabbed the reins and tugged hard.  
  
The dragon slewed violently to the left. With an almightily donk, the head smashed into the wall and scraped along it, horns gouging and ripping through the stone. One broke off. The other was knocked crooked.  
  
Aggravated by the pain, it started a set of quite breathtaking spirals. Unfortunately this hadn't taken really taken care of the major problem and the in-flight meals kept on coming. Cut off screams filled the chamber.  
  
"Women drivers, eh?" Deku grinned from the top level. Navi gave him a smack.  
  
Link clung on for dear life as the monster bucked and writhed and tried its best to remove her. With all the strength she wasn't using on the reigns, she used to bring the sword down on the thing's neck. There was a shower of sparks and the blade recoiled, spiralling from her hand and stabbing a Goron far below.  
  
"Shit. Fecking bloody arse damn poo."  
  
She was completely out of ideas. She was out of weapons too, which was even worse.  
  
Unless...  
  
She pulled herself further up the body until she was straddling the neck. The crooked horn before her was hanging loose, flapping about on the few last strands of sinew. Link reached out, grabbed it, and twisted it off. Then she smashed it into its eye. Then she hit it in a few times more.  
  
The dragon went limp. It coasted along for a few metres, but then dropped straight down. A crunch, like a really big cockroach being flattened, followed.

* * *

"I've got to admit you've got a lot of balls, Link."  
  
"Shut up, Deku," Link snapped.  
  
"You've really got spunk, kid," Deku continued.  
  
"That's disgusting," Navi admonished.  
  
"If you ever want to straddle any other wild beasts feel free to drop in," said Darunia, and went down in history as the wittiest Goron ever.  
  
"Aren't you at all sad that your species is dead?"  
  
From within the dragon, a muffled voice said, "actually, we aint dead."  
  
"Yeah," said another. "Quite nice really. This acid's gettin' the top layers of me skin off a treat."  
  
A Goron walked up to Link with a sword through its stomach. "Your sword?"  
  
"Thanks," said Link, taking it back.  
  
"We'd like our ruby now, please," Deku asked.  
  
"Oh, of course." With a flash of red light, the Ruby appeared in Darunia's outstretched palm.  
  
"Thanks," said Deku. "Two down, one to go."  
  
"Now let's get the hell out of here." 


	7. What a bunch of geeks

"What are the Zoras like?" Link asked, leaping another of the rivulets that filled and criss-crossed the gorge leading up to Zoras Domain. She was feeling quite happy, having been reassured that there probably wasn't a member of her species for many miles. She'd even stripped down to her tunic. Every so often she even smiled, as long as the others weren't watching.  
  
"They're an aquatic race," Deku said. "Long time allies to the Royal Family and yet living in almost total isolation. Their Domain is said to be impenetrable except for only members of the Royal Family."  
  
"I see one! I see one!" Navi squealed.  
  
They looked. It was a fishy. Alerted by them, it streaked upstream in a cloud of silt and flash of silver.  
  
"That's not a Zora," Deku assured a disappointed Navi. "They're quiet, thoughtful, observant. Try not to make any sudden hand movements: they find it threatening. And never give them the thumbs up as they think you're showing off."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"They never developed opposable thumbs. Yet, somehow, they have developed advanced technology far beyond anything Hylians have."  
  
They were approaching the dead end of the gorge. A massive waterfall crashed down from a huge height. The thunderous noise ssaulted their wounded ears. Already the spray had soaked them to the skin.  
  
"They value their women highly."  
  
"Because of their beauty?"  
  
"No. Because there's only one of them. The Princess."  
  
"Just one?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Link thought for a bit. "So all the tales of beautiful Zoran maidens luring sailors to their doom…?"  
  
"Yes," said Deku darkly.  
  
They walked on in silence, contemplating this. Eventually though, they were forced to stop because the land had run out. It jutted out and up so that a person standing on it was half way up the waterfall and not a metre away from the solid wall of churning water. They stood across from a dark square that could be a tunnel leading into the rock face beyond.  
  
There seemed no way forward, except through the waterfall, which would be certain, squishy death.  
  
"Now what do we do?"  
  
"Now, you play Zelda's Lullaby."  
  
Link frowned. "Zelda's what?"  
  
"Oh," said Deku. "Cra-"  
  
"Freeze mother fkers!!!"  
  
This was a rather misplaced and hurtful comment, as neither of the trio had ever had a mother.  
  
They turned. A dozen blue people had silently surrounded them and now a dozen gun barrels were pointing at them. Lasers crawled over their chests.  
  
"I see a Zora!" Navi exclaimed. "Hey, I thought you said they were quiet and thoughtful."  
  
"I thought they were."  
  
The Zoras were all male. They were quite tall and slim, their bodies smooth and aqua-dynamical. One of them (the one with the largest fins who also seemed to be the chief) stepped forward. "Hands on your heads now, Landies!"  
  
"What do we do _now_?" Link hissed, as she obediantly placed her hands on her head.  
  
Deku shrughed. "Learn Zelda's Lullaby really fast?"  
  
"How'd's it go?"  
  
"Er…bing bing bing…bing bing bing."  
  
Link took a step forward. "Bing bing bing bing bing bing?"  
  
Twelve guns were cocked.  
  
"Get down on the floor, now!"  
  
Link was glad to comply but Deku, having suddenly thought of something, kicked her in the ear.  
  
"Stay standing," he ordered. Then turning to face the Zoran police, he cleared his throat and said, "How dare you give orders to the Princess of Hyrule, pitiful peasants!"  
  
"What?!" snapped Link.  
  
"Who?!" shrieked twelve Zoras.  
  
It seemed to do the trick. Many of the Zoras paled. A few lowered their guns hesitantly. The girl WAS blonde, they reasoned, and the right age. But then again all Landies looked the same to them.  
  
Finally, the head Policezora lowered his weapon. He shot Link a deeply untrusting stare. "I think you'd better come inside."

* * *

"I must apologize for my species for that unpleasant incident," the diplomat said, seating himself around the conference table in one of the plush, velvet chairs. "It is just we have had little contact with your family for many years now and of course we are always wary of Landi- err, earthbound races."  
  
He paused. Link gave him a polite smile. Always keep smiling, Deku had said.  
  
The diplomat, realizing she wasn't going to say anything, continued. "You've certainly grown since we last saw you, your majesty. I can see you will make a fine Queen."  
  
Link continued to smile and gave a nod too. But under her eyeball, a muscle twitched.  
  
"May I have a moment alone to talk with my advisors?" she asked through teeth that seemed to be glued together into a smile.  
  
"Of course, your majesty."  
  
The diplomat rose and bowed himself out of the room.  
  
"Princess?!" she yelled the moment the door slid shut.  
  
"Link, I know what you're thinking-"  
  
"If you knew what I was thinking you'd already be running," Link growled.  
  
"Come on. It'll just be for five minutes, I swear, then we've got the Sapphire and we've out of here. We go to the castle, we get the triforce and we wish you back to normal. End of adventure" Deku lied.  
  
"It can do that?"  
  
"Sure. It can do anything you want."  
  
Link thought about it. "And I don't have to act like a Princess?"  
  
"Zelda is renowned for being a tomboy," Deku assured.  
  
"I always wanted to be a Princess," Navi helped.  
  
Link sighed. Five minutes of being a Princess? Five minutes of being a spoilt little madam who didn't know a man when she saw one?  
  
"Couldn't we just nick it?"  
  
"Err, I…guess so."  
  
Link looked around the room. In the corner, high up in the wall was a square hole. Conditioned air carrying a hint of lavender blew in through it.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"It's probably a service duct and venting system designed to pump air in and out of the Domain. Don't tell me you're thinking off…"  
  
She went over and, with the appliance of a little brute force, pulled off the grill.  
  
"You know, if you do this, the reputation of the Royal Family might be irreparably tarnished. Stealing a sacred artefact is hardly Princesly. You may even risk war."  
  
It did look a tight fit, Link admitted. Still so did corsets and she could be wearing one if this didn't work. She removed her pack and placed it behind a potted palm tree.  
  
"I'd just like to repeat the part about risking a war between Hylians and Zoras," Deku said loudly, as Link lifted herself up and into the hole. "Err, you know I still can't fly. If you could just-" A hand came out of the hole, reached down, and scooped him up. "Thank you."  
  
They crawled a hundred metres through the lavender scented tube, checking each room as they passed a grill but most held nothing but rows of grey metal boxes, covered in flashing lights and making beeping noises. At the end, the grill looked down onto a circular room only a few metres in diameter. A red, velvet cushion was placed in the very centre of the white floor. Hovering a few inches over it was a beautiful sapphire jewel, glowing and making a noise like a finger round the rim of a wine glass.  
  
"Grab my legs, will you?"  
  
She removed the grate and swung herself down. The fairies grabbed her by the boots, and, with a strength to size ratio better than ants lowered her down the hole. The right leg lagged a little way behind because Deku was complaining and extremely reluctant.  
  
"A little further," Link muttered through clenched teeth as she strained to elongate her body and fill the last inch between the gem and her fingertips.  
  
"You know the rooms probably filled with lasers," Deku complained.  
  
"I don't see any lasers," the heroine called up.  
  
"Well, obviously they're invisible."  
  
Link froze. She stared around the room. If she moved another inch, would invisible lasers slice off her fingers? A bead of sweat trickled down her nose, paused at the end, and fell. The noise it made as it collided with the floor could be clearly heard.  
  
At which point the peaceful, white room exploded in a mess of flashing red lights and alarms. Link just had time to see the door slide open for ridiculously armed guards before she somehow lurched the distance, snatched the jewel, and was hoisted back into the duct.  
  
"Yoink."  
  
Lasers pummelled the side just infront of her head, turning it red-hot and the consistency of treacle. Screaming, she scrambled back the other way whilst the weapons exploded around her and the temperature rocketed. It was like crawling through an oven.  
  
Deku gave her an I-told-you-so smile as he disappeared ahead. Gradually the shots disappeared and by the time she dropped back into the conference room it was all quiet. Though Navi had dragged the potted palm tree in the way of the door it remained undisturbed.  
  
"That went well," Navi smiled. "Now what do we do?"  
  
Link turned to Deku. "Can't you teleport us out?"  
  
"Sure. I think its bing, bing, err, bing-"  
  
"Oh, never mind," snapped Link. "I suppose we'll just fight our way out."  
  
She went to the door and opened it.  
  
"Oh."  
  
Twelve guns had seemed scary. Right now, there was enough arsenal to take out a planet.  
  
Every single Zora seemed to line the cavern walkways and each had a gun trained on her. Except for the ones with two guns. Strange, aquatic tanks had been dredged up from the depths of the lake and had their turrets turned towards them. A few of the closer Zoras had pulled out knives. The only thing missing was a nuke…oh, wait. No, they had one of those too.  
  
The combined laser sights were gently tanning Link's skin.  
  
"Nice knowing you, kid."  
  
"Ditto," said Navi. "But, y'know, more so."  
  
The diplomat stepped forward and outstretched a hand. "The Sapphire, if you please."  
  
Link stared at him. She took in the glasses. And then she looked at the rest of the species, all men with one woman between them all. And she took in all their technological genius.  
  
She lifted the gem and slid it down her shirt, where it rested rather snugly.  
  
"Take it."  
  
A collective gasp of horror ran through the room. The diplomat's eyes threatened to bulge right out of his head. Sweat was forming on his brow, quite incredible for an aquatic race. Link took a step forward and he practically leapt out of her way. She took another step, and the crowd parted like a blue sea.  
  
The problem with having one female amongst a thousand males is that they're all geeks. And so, not having the faintest clue what to do, they allowed her to walk calmly to the exit and leave.  
  
There was a rather uncomfortable silence. After a while, the Zoras lowered their guns, shuffled their feet, and buggered off home. 


	8. Always close the door behind you

I don't own Zelda or Lord of the Rings. Come on, you think if I owned LOTRs I'd be here? I'd be swimming in my Olympic sized, champagne filled swimming pool and drying myself off with money.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -   
  
"Why must you deny one who has waited so long? All these years I have waited for you, for your touch. Finally we can be together. Will you deny my plea once more?"  
  
"For the last time, I will," said Zelda, slowly and carefully, her tone just threatening anger.  
  
Slapping away Impa's hands, she dived through a doorway and slammed it shut behind her. She was forced to lean into it as the knob was rattled and the love struck bodyguard threw her body against it.  
  
"But why? I am the last Sheikan female. You are the last Sheikan male. It was meant to be."  
  
How romantic, Zelda thought dryly.  
  
"Am I not pleasing to my lover's eye?"  
  
Zelda groaned. "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever known," she lied. "But I'm afraid I have given my heart to another."  
  
"Who?!" Impa demanded. The tone suggested that whoever it was would soon be suffering from an unfortunate accident involving a flight of stairs, a skateboard, and a badly placed sword.  
  
"Um…Sarah…Johnson. Yeah, Sarah Johnson."  
  
"Then, if you cannot love me, will you not indulge in a night of passion?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Five minutes of passion?"  
  
"No."  
  
"There's a store cupboard right here."  
  
"If you don't stop bothering me I'll tell Princess Zelda and she'll fire you."  
  
She hated sinking to such a level but the woman had driven her to desperation. She was silent for a long time.  
  
"I understand," she said finally, her voice low and quiet. "If you ever need me, my door is always open. As are my l-"  
  
"GO!"  
  
She waited until the sad and lonely footsteps disappeared down the corridor before slipping through a side door into another room and changed from the Sheikan Sheik to the Princess Zelda. A few days ago, she'd located a spell in the Royal archives that did the whole transformation in an instant. It was convenient, and saved her having to swipe sausages every breakfast.  
  
The corridor was empty, thank Goddesses. She hurried to dinner, realizing she was already late. Still better late than….  
  
2As she pushed open the great hall doors, a red liquid splashed over her face.  
  
"Daddy," she laughed. "You shouldn't quaff your wine so much."  
  
There was a noise like a pumpkin hitting the floor. She watched, as if in slow motion, the object bounce, roll over the floor, and come to rest against her foot. The body slumped, knocking over a tureen of pea soup, hit the table, and then fell out of its chair.  
  
Behind her father's chair, the Gerudo King sheathed his sword and smiled.  
  
"Hey, diplomatic immunity. What you gonna do?""  
  
She turned and ran, hearing heavy footsteps thunder over the table, spilling plates and cutlery. The door slammed behind her and grew thick metal bars, which bent immediately under a massive impact. They wouldn't hold him long.  
  
Her father was dead. She'd seen it with her own eyes. So why wasn't she crying? She felt oddly hollow, which was convenient as the writer sucks at emotions. There was a great deal of grief somewhere, but for the moment the heart had been cut out of the picture. It was a bubble of feelings. Eventually it would pop, but not until she was safe.  
  
Right now she was more bothered about the mess the pea soup was making on the floor.  
  
Was she even running anywhere? She berated herself on giving into the instinctive Princess response to run around like a dumb thing, stopped, and headed off down another corridor leading to the inner sanctum, where the Royal artefacts were kept.  
  
A sad and sorry figure was ahead. Zelda grabbed her hand and started to pull her along. The woman followed along, limp as a rag doll.  
  
Behind them there was an explosion of screaming metal.  
  
"Is something the matter, my lady?" Impa asked in a dead voice.  
  
"We have to get out of here."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Ganondorf killed my father. Now, he's after me."  
  
"No, really, why? Why bother? If he kills me, that is no great loss: I am already dead inside."  
  
Zelda span and slapped the guard harshly across the face.  
  
"Snap out of it, will you?! There is no Sheik! That was just me in boys clothes!"  
  
Tears shone in Impa's eyes. A hand touched gingerly at the red mark proudly shining on her cheek. And then she laughed. The tears of pain turned to ones of joy, and ran down her face.  
  
"Ah, Princess," she giggled. "You and your jokes." She ruffled the Princess's hair as an enraged, bestial roar shook the castle. "Everybody knows women can't wear trousers, less their skin shrivel, their hair turn white and fall out, and men find them unappealing. It's been scientifically proven. Silly girl."  
  
Tortured screams of the maids seemed to snap her back to normal. With all those maids dead, Zelda thought dumbly, who would clean up the pea soup. Impa turned away and heaved a great breath.  
  
"Go get the ocarina. Take it to Link. I'll hold him off."  
  
Zelda ran. At the end of the corridor, she turned back. A monstrous creature of fire, smoke and roasted flesh filled the space from floor to ceiling, wall to wall. And there, at its hooves, the tiny form of Impa, smoke whipping around her, smothering her. She rose to her full height.  
  
From out of the shadows a red sword came flaming.  
  
Impa glittered white in answer.  
  
There was a ringing clash and a shower of sparks. The great beast fell back. Impa swayed, stepped back a pace, and then again stood still.  
  
"You cannot pass!" she said.  
  
At which the beast stumbled forward and Impa was lost to her in the darkness.  
  
"You cannot pass!" Deku roared.  
  
Halfway down Zora's valley the Zoras had found a loophole and the trio had run into a snag. Whilst it was ungentlemanly to shoot the girl, the Zoras reasoned with their rather cold, warped logic, it was perfectly fine to shoot the male or the space directly behind the females. If she got in the way, that was her own fault.  
  
Several laser shots hit the fairy. He should've been incinerated.  
  
"NOOOOO!" Navi screamed. "I LOVED HIM! IN A PLATONIC SORT OF WAY!"  
  
The post-deity wavered a little and swore a lot. He did not appear to be dead.  
  
"Oh, right. Fairies can't die," Navi reminded herself. "Although we are minutely aware of pain."  
  
Swearing all the way, Deku decided to leave heroing to the professionals and continued the previous strategy, which was running like hell with your head down and your hood up.  
  
One of the great things about having been an omniscient being is that you can swear in ten thousand languages.  
  
"Arse! Yangfak! Swok! Shit! Shazbut! Oww. Owww! OWWWW!."  
  
Link picked up a rock and hefted it at the mob. It took out a few of them.  
  
"Owww! What the hell did you do that for! Tonkers! We're trying to avoid an international incident here."  
  
"And I'm trying to avoid having my head taken off," Link yelled. A few more bolts missed them by atoms.  
  
She threw a Deku stick. That didn't do much. She threw a bomb. That had a much more interesting affect. The Zoras however, in their thousands, merely charged over their fallen comrades. Finding a few nuts hiding in her pockets, Link threw them too. There was a blinding flash of white-blue light and the Zoras froze. Many, under their own inertia, continued forward on paralysed limbs, and fell over.  
  
"Thank Goddesses," Navi gasped, alighting on Link's shoulder. "I think I've sprained a wing. Good work, guys. High fives?"  
  
A cloud of black obscenities hung in the air behind Deku as he caught up with them on the walkway. "We'd better keep going: they'll unfreeze soon. Also, if my calculations are correct, we have an appointment to make." He checked the sun. "In about an hour in fact. We may need to borrow a horse on the way there."  
  
"That was a very brave thing you did back there," Link said, as they set off over the fields and she struggled to pull on several sweaters. "Although how a two inch high man could stop an enraged army I have no idea."  
  
"It was more than Navi did," Deku grumbled sourly. "'Shoot her: she's a bigger target'? Not worth the earth she's made of."  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"I don't mean to insult either of you," Link said carefully, positioning herself inbetween the two of them. "But why did you make her? She hasn't exactly- no offense- exactly been one hundred percent useful."  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"You turned me into a girl!"  
  
"Oh, right, yeah. I forgot."  
  
"I believe she will play her part before the end," Deku said dramatically.  
  
He gave a not-altogether-pleasant chuckle. This grew, until it verged on maniacal laughter.  
  
Navi glared. "I don't care what that means in the slightest."  
  
-----------  
  
She couldn't keep going like this. Sooner or later her legs, which felt utterly weak and empty, would give out and she'd collapse and die.  
  
With the clank and rattle of chains the drawbridge was coming down. Turning, she saw a horse blacker than the clouds boiling overhead thunder out of the castle and across the grounds. Guards fell like reeds beneath it.  
  
The few hundred meters between them gained from her head start were shrinking fast. Running was useless.  
  
The sodden road down which she ran entered Hyrule Town. The square was empty, the people having gone home before the coming storm struck. It certainly looked like it was a big one.  
  
She tried the door of the first house she found. Locked. The second was locked too. She was getting desperate. The rising thud of hooves mixed with the pound of her heart in her ears and drove her practically insane.  
  
The third door wasn't locked but stuck. She kicked it open and ran in, slamming the door behind her. A wall met her almost immediately. Though the room was dark, from the little light flowing through a skylight she could make out the shapes of crates, stacked ontop of each other to fill the whole room. The sharp smell of gunpowder hung in the air.  
  
Whoever owned this place must be crazy or stupid. Not only was large-scale storage of explosives illegal but they'd packed dry hay around the crates too, something so monumentally stupid it could only be the work of-  
  
A Goron moved in the darkness at the bottom of the pile. In one hand, it held an unlit cigarette. In the other, a box of matches.  
  
What a moron.  
  
Outside, the horse trotted to a standstill. Snatching the matches from the Goron, she started to clamber up the crates towards the skylight. Things moved beneath her hands as she climbed, rodent-like things that squeaked and scurried away, leaving behind glowing trails.  
  
She jumped, caught the sill of the window, and scrambled up, out onto the wind lashed rooftops.  
  
The door burst open.  
  
The Goron, just realizing his matches were gone, looked up at the towering figure that had entered and then up to where his matches had disappeared to. Something tiny and bright was falling down through the still air, and it landed in the hay with a sizzle.  
  
-------------  
  
Navi had trapped Deku in a headlock and was attempting to beat the future out of him.  
  
"What is my purpose! Tell me, you bastard!"  
  
"The unfortellable consequences of me telling you could create a paradox, a never ending cycle that could very well destroy all that is, all that will be and all that ever was. Owww."  
  
This failed to impress Navi, who twisted his arm a little further.  
  
"Argh! I trust you've never heard of the Butterfly Effect then?"  
  
"I must know!"  
  
"Fine. Your destiny is to marry a strong and charming Prince and live happily ever after."  
  
For a reason Deku couldn't quite understand this lie caused Navi to break into tears.  
  
Link's head burst forth from another sweater, a plain white woolen one that she'd purchased with the horse at Lon Lon Ranch. After the incident at Zora's Domain her confidence had been seriously drained and now she was so padded out she could've been rolled. Shaking out her hair, she looked up at the sky.  
  
"Is it getting darker?"  
  
They were riding down the hill towards the drawbridge of Hyrule and, as they grew closer, the clouds seemed to be swelling and darkening in the sky. What had been clear and blue five minutes ago was now a turbulent, swirling mass of black. It started to rain; fat drops that pounded of the stone and the moat and turned the dirt to sloppy mud.  
  
A bright flash suddenly illuminated the rooftops of Hyrule Town, followed by a tower of flame that streamed into the sky. The bang, like a thunderclap, reached them a few seconds later.  
  
"Why's the bridge up?" Navi asked.  
  
As if it had heard her, the bridge swung down and crashed into the bank. The boards splintered from the impact. The chains came loose from their holes in the walls, and sank into the moat.  
  
A figure in blue released ?his? hands from the lever and hurried across the destroyed bridge. He headed towards them. Too late Link recognized him and tried to ride away. Sheik jumped, caught her in a hug (or at least tried through the padding) and bowled her off the horse. Link was surprised and embarrassed to see tears rolling down the boy's face, creating trails of pink in the cover of soot.  
  
"I'm so happy you're safe."  
  
Link glared.  
  
"Yeah. Can't quite say the same for you."  
  
An ocarina was pushed into her hands. It was blue, and sparkled.  
  
"Err, thanks?"  
  
"In return I'm taking your horse."  
  
"No way!"  
  
"I am sorry to leave you too. But there is a horrible man chasing me and I could never allow his wrath to be transferred onto you. Farewell. I live only for the day we meet again."  
  
Sheik leant closer, but Link had her hands around his neck in an instant and held him away like she would a rabid dog trying to maul her face. She wasn't fast enough. Nor was she fast enough to get her revenge. The boy leapt back, landing astride the stallion. The mud spewed up then he was gone.  
  
"That wasn't bad," Deku noted, watching the horse gallop off into the sunset. "Very romantic in fact."  
  
Link was taking it differently.  
  
"He raped me," she whispered.  
  
"It was just a kiss."  
  
Her mouth still hadn't closed, and was starting to fill with water. Navi kindly flew down and shut it for her.  
  
A big, black thing burst from the gates and thundered past them in a sudden clash of lightning, which was sadly lost on the three of them. They hadn't even noticed the evil king pass.  
  
Link still wasn't moving. She'd gone as limp as a rag doll.  
  
"Will she be OK?" asked Navi.  
  
There was still no anger in her eyes and the mouth had fallen open again. "I think she's in shock," Deku diagnosed. "Come on. If we're quick, we can get this all over and done with before she knows what's happened."  
  
Between them the two fairies managed to pull Link through the mud, across the bridge, across the town centre, up the stairs to the temple of time, across the white marble floor of the temple of time, and deposited her at the base of the pedestal of time that stands before the door of time. The ocarina of time was still clutched to the Link's chest.  
  
"Did nobody ever think it slightly dangerous to have the Song of Time playing in the Temple of Time?" Navi asked.  
  
And the rest, as they say, is history. Link opened the door of time but found nothing within except for a sword in a pedestal. With nothing else to do, she pulled it out, made her wish- "I wish for new lips. And a new tongue too," she added as an afterthought- and ascended to a place beyond that world, forgetting to close the door behind her. 


	9. I can never get past 9 chapters

I'm going to have a rest at writing this now. Any suggestions will be gratefully received and probably used. Also, Gerudo Princess, finish the story about Malon and the dirty acts with horses soon, please.  
  
This chapter has to catch up with seven years so it takes like ages. You can skip it if you want.  
  
------------ ---------------- ---------  
  
"Linky. Wakey, wakey."  
  
"Wazza wazza wuzzwa?" Link muttered, slowly rising from the deep depths of sleep  
  
"Come on, wake up. There's a great pair of tits waiting for you." There was a giggle. "You look pretty."  
  
Link cracked an eyelid. There certainly was a great pair of tits in front of her. One was big, fat, and rounded. The other was Deku.  
  
He wasn't wearing his usual warm glow, she noted, as she started to slip back down into sleep. In fact he looked pretty mad. Ah well…  
  
"Is this normal?" she heard Navi ask, through the warm candyfloss smothering her brain.  
  
"Oh, yes. Seven years sleep can take days to fully shake off. Actually this may be the best time to break the bad news." The voice had come from the unknown, rather portly man. Her brain slowly processed the information, and a subconscious feeling of doubt entered her pleasant half-sleep.  
  
"Link, old boy," the man said, stepping forward.  
  
"az me."  
  
"I'm afraid we've got some rather distressing news."  
  
Link managed a weak, 'oh?'  
  
"Well, you see, seven years have passed." The nagging feeling grew stronger. "And, as you can guess, a lot of things have happened in seven years."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Bad things."  
  
"Very bad things," Deku grimaced.  
  
"And you need updating to the current circumstances of the, err, world."  
  
"What's left of it," Deku interjected.  
  
"Do I?"  
  
It had just twigged in her brain that she was standing on a platform suspended in space in a place made entirely of flowing blue energy. That's nice, she thought.  
  
"So, Deku here has made a list. Deku, if you would?"  
  
She tried opening an eye again. Deku had flown forward (flown? When did he learn to fly?) and was holding a scroll. His swirling aura was a dirty grey.  
  
"This is in chronological order." His voice had taken on an oddly monotone, icy quality. "Five minutes after you left the world seven years hence, Ganondorf enters the Temple of Time and lays his hands on the tri-force. It fragments into three parts. He takes the triforce fragment of power. The other two, of courage and wisdom go into two others who best express those qualities. He returns to the castle, which is quickly destroyed, where he begins to summon an army.  
  
"Two days after, the Zoras declare war on all Hylians. They launch an attack on Hyrule Town and, at the same time, an army of monsters swarms down from the remains of the castle. A complete massacre ensues. There are no survivors, and the Zoras, having suffered massive casualties, retreat. Since that day seven years ago, Hyrule Town has been utterly deserted and is now in a state of absolute decay. Beasts, demons and the undead roam the streets. From the ashes of Hyrule Castle rises a new castle, hovering between a pit of lava and an eternally stormy sky.  
  
"A month after you left, the Gorons, being allied with the Royal Family, go into council to decide whether to join the war. A month later, the council ends with the Gorons allied. Weakened by lack of food however, they aren't strong allies. Over the last seven years their numbers have dwindled, killed by starvation and malnutrition, and only half of what they were lives today. If you're wondering why they starved, it's because you didn't clear an important cavern supplying half of their annual harvest.  
  
"Kakariko Village begins to build its defences but they would've been nothing against the massive attack the Zoras were planning. Thankfully, for the Hylians at least, a killer killer whale by the name of Lord Jabu Jabu- the one you failed to sort out- broke through the outer wall of Zora's Domain and devoured some two thousand of them, before it could be subdued.  
  
"For the last seven years, relations between the two powers have been none existent. Five thousand more men have died in the many small battles to take or reclaim parts of Hyrule Field. Ganondorf has remained in total isolation, building his army. Only, in the last few weeks, certain developments on his part have forced us to release you earlier than planned. A dragon has taken the remaining Gorons into Death Mountain and is devouring them as we speak, ice has spread over the whole of Zora's Domain, and the Village of Kakariko, weakened by drought due to a dried up lake, is about to be sieged by the greatest, most ruthless army in history."  
  
He finished, rolled up his scroll, and gave this time to sink in.  
  
Link frowned a little. "Oh," she said.  
  
"Oh?! OH?! That's it?! You're solely responsible for the massacre of half of all Hylians, Zoras, and Gorons and all you can say is 'OH?!"  
  
"Sorry?"  
  
"Do you not care?" the large man enquired curiously. "I could've sworn you were by design based on a prediction, a contingent affirmation that was meant to create a profound attachment to the rest of your species facilitating the function of the Hero aswell as an experience far more specific, vis a vis love."  
  
"This is all because of that bastard curse," Deku snapped, and disappeared in a puff of blue energy.  
  
"He's in a bad mood," Navi sniffed.  
  
"You must excuse him: the Goddesses have been having sharp words with him about the state of their world."  
  
"They talked to him?" asked Navi.  
  
"He is their representative so naturally they need to. If he fails in his task they will blame him and the idea of eternal punishment is getting him down."  
  
Another yawn dispersed a little more of the grogginess. The death toll had yet to have any effect but a few other realizations were forming.  
  
"Who are you?" she asked.  
  
"My name is Raura, the last of the Sages. Long ago we built the Temple of Time around the entrance to this realm to guard it from evil. We are the Guardians of the Triforce, the Sacred Realm, and Hyrule. Or were. Alas, the seven have dwindled only to myself over the years and the triforce has been dispersed beyond my control. For the last seven years, I have protected this place with all my power from Ganondorf's evil clutches but he has corrupted the temples of Hyrule and now, even here, my power is growing weak. Soon the last stronghold against evil will fall and there will be nothing standing between Ganondorf and the powers of the Goddesses."  
  
The state of the world still was having no affect on Link. This was mainly because she didn't care about the people: either she didn't know them or she hated them. She looked down at the heavy weight in her hand and found she was clutching a sword. When she tried to let go she found the hand had seized up around the hilt. She had to pry the frozen fingers off. The muscles creaked. The knuckles cracked.  
  
"You've been holding the sword like that for seven years," Rauru explained.  
  
And then it finally hit her. "Seven years?!?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I've been asleep seven years?"  
  
"That's what we've been trying to tell you."  
  
"But that must mean I'm like…17 years old!"  
  
Raura gave a sad nod. "I was told this may be distressing for you."  
  
With a flatulent 'whoop' a full-length mirror leapt out of thin air before Link.  
  
A choked gasp escaped her.  
  
"Of course we've prepared some leaflets to help you through these changes," Rauru said, saddened by the terrified expression on her face.  
  
In many ways, it was a very nice body. Link would've found it great to look at from any angle except the one she was viewing it from, which was from inside. It was the sort of body that made Navi think of chocolate bars. To everyone else, it suggested poles and cream and babies, probably in that order.  
  
"You look great," Navi reassured.  
  
Link gave another gurgle and took several steps away from the mirror.  
  
"Should she be backing away like that?" Navi asked the Sage.  
  
"I suppose it's a natural coping mechanism. Denial is the most predictable of all human responses."  
  
"Yes, but it's a very small platform."  
  
"AAIIIYYYEEEE!" confirmed Link.  
  
-------- -----------  
  
Thank Goddesses I got that over with. Sure I've said this before but constructive criticism will be met with flowers, and happy smiles, and anything you want. Suggestions more so. 


	10. Chapter ten? It's a witch! BURN IT!

This is just a temporary chapter thing. After I get some responses I'm gonna take it down and redo it and stuff and make it good. So if you could point out the flaws I'll try to fix them.

You're right. _He_ is easier.

-------------------------------

Plummeting slowed to mere floating, as the black space around her melted into white. She alighted perfectly on the marble floor and found she was back in the Temple of Time. It was as flawless and unchanged since the last time she'd seen it, seven years or twenty minutes ago, whichever way she looked at it. Had seven years really passed?

Navi followed a few seconds later, appearing out of the air with a _fwop_.

"'Bout time you made it," Deku grumbled.

The fairy was flying around the room, peering into the dark corners and looking even more annoyed when they turned out to be empty. Eventually, he sighed and shrugged. "Never mind. I assume sh- he's dead. Everybody else is."

"Who?"

"I was expecting Sheik to meet you on your return. Forget it. Would you like to see the apocalypse? Come."

They followed the fairy out of the shrine and into the hall. Only two sacred jewels remained in the pedestal. The Zora's emerald had been removed, apparently with some force: the marble around the third indentation had been was torn out, shot out and melted out. Passing down the red carpet, they reached the doors, pushed them open on rusty hinges, and stepped out into the new world.

"What a dump," Link said.

This was somewhat of an understatement.

"Did we die and go to hell?" Navi said.

This was much closer.

"Do you like the colour scheme?" said Deku sourly. "It's black, with faint hints of black, complimented by black tones."

This summed up the landscape perfectly.

Nothing remained of what had once been Hyrule Town. The entire thing had been burnt to the ground long ago. Only a few blackened shells of buildings still stood, illuminated only by the fires burning among the rubble. The sky was filled with tormented black clouds from horizon to horizon. And it was deadly quiet. A black silence choked the burnt air.

With an exhausted groan, a door came free of its final hinge and crashed to the ground.

"Wowww. Let's go to Death Mountain!" Navi chirped.

In the distance could be made out Death Mountain, a darker shadow against the sky. A halo of fire crowned its summit.

"They say the mountain is mourning the fate of the Gorons," Deku said solemnly.

"Why would it miss them. Weren't the Gorons eating it?"

Deku ignored her and stalked down the marble steps. They hurried after him, not wanting to get separated in this hell hole.

"I said I was sorry," Link yelled, struggling to keep up with the fairy as it weaved away through the alleys and streets, dodging through crumbled walls and over rubble. "How can you blame me for this? It wasn't my fault! I had other things to worry about!"

Suddenly, Deku stopped, and spun, aura flaring like a small sun.

"You think you had problems then! Look at yourself! You're seventeen now! LOOK! You've got breasts the size of coconuts!"

……………

…………….

Somehow, the silence deepened, becoming something infinitely more threatening. It was the silence that only comes after things that should never have been said have been said. As the adrenaline seeped out of Deku's system, he ran his last words back in his head. He paled, the blood running to areas it would soon be needed, such as the legs.

"Size of…very small coconuts. Very, very small, um coconuts. Tiny even. Have you ever seen a coconut? I have. Minute things. I was like' where's the coconut?' Ha ha ha………**PLEASE DON'T HURT ME**!"

She gave him something much worse than pain. Much worse than death.

The glass prison.

-------------------------------

That night was heavy with cold. The wind screamed across the barren plane and tore at Link's clothes like a ravaging beast. The wind was icy cold and the sort that had a way of getting everywhere: of accessing each and every nook and cranny. For the hundredth time, Link yelled and brought her heel down on one of the many skulls that littered the area, crumbling it to dust.

She was angry at the wind. She was angry at herself. But she was mainly angry at Navi. When Link had brought up the idea of scavaging a few layers of clothing of the bodies of the dead Navi had complained on the basis that any clothes would've been around seven years out of fashion.

"There's probably some moral problems too," she'd added.

Now she was curled up, warm and content, in Link's breast.

Deku was warm, sheltered, but far from happy. He was curled up, and muttering the word 'glass' ferverently and repeatedly as he swung about Link's waist.

"I don't think that's Kakariko," Link roared over the wind into her chest.

The golden glow that they'd been heading towards had been momentarily blocked out by something moving in front of it. Either they weren't the lights from the Town's houses or there was a mighty tall person walking around.

There was a small movement from within her shirt but Navi failed to appear. Link squinted into the dark and could make out the shapes of people reflecting the glow of what was definitely now a bonfire. Or maybe they were trees.

She stopped. Maybe it was a scouting party, which would mean escort and easy access to the Fort Kakariko had apparently become. A scouting party, however, would also undoubtedly mean men.

She grimaced. Maybe it was time she started facing up to responsibility.

She was still grimacing when she stepped into the circle of firelight.

* * *

"Sir, Mr Sheik, Sir. Important developments have developed out on the field, Sir."

The hangover met Sheik roughly between the eyes and exploded in the front of his brain. He lifted his head, which made the room swim painfully, and found several important documents were stuck to his face with dried drool. Somebody had replaced his tongue with carpet during the night.

Vague memories of the night before surfaced in his mind. There had been beer…lots of it…some sort of manly drinking competition that he'd been forced to take part in so as to keep up appearances. He'd done some quite manly quaffing. It'd taken him years to learn how to quaff properly. The trick to doing it really well was to miss your mouth.

Then singing. Some of the men had made comments that he'd sang like a eunuch choirboy, which was quite true. That wouldn't do good for the rumours. And then -he shuddered- then there had been women of ill repute. Terminally ill repute. Actually, the women's reputes had probably been dead and buried decades ago.

"Sorry? Developments?"

"Yes, Sir. We captured a woman."

Sheik gave a disgusted snort. After seven years, women had lost any sort of interest on him. He was totally incapable to find the nicest of them physically attractive and yet, the second any of the girls in Kakariko Village got near him, they were transformed into bubbly balls of giggling glee. It must the power, he decided. It went straight to their heads. Or the tight pants.

"Not interested," he groaned.

"It's just we found her out on Hyrule Field. Alive."

Sheik's head snapped up. He glanced at his watch then up at the calendar.

"Damnit, she's early! Was she wearing green?"

Before the soldier had even finished nodding, Sheik was already heading for the door. The soldier followed him out into the early morning, searching a pocket in his tatted trousers for something. Sheik tilted his head at the familiar and repetitive chant that was drifting faintly over the rooftops, and attempted to place where he'd heard it before.

"Gotta tell you first, Sarge," the Soldier warned. "She's a wild one. Took down four and a half men before we could bring her in."

Shiek shot him a puzzled look. "Half?"

"Well, Stanley can't seem to move nothin' below the waist, Sir," he added.

"Why did she attack you?"

The Soldier caught the harshness in the voice and noticed the hand move closer to its sword. He hesitated.

"Well, um, we…we…"

"Because if you've hurt her or insulted her or touched her in any way…"

"No! No no, Sir. Nothing like that, Sir. It's just, it's just… Here, we've made a little list of things you don't want to say to set her off." Finally managing to free the crumpled piece of parchment from his pocket, he read from it: "'what's a pretty little girl like you doing in a nasty place like this?', 'what's a pretty girl like you doing with a big sword like that?' 'you're gonna poke someone's eye out if you keep swinging it like that', 'you fight good, for a pretty little girl', and 'please don't kill me, pretty girl'"

Sheik swept down on the man with all the energy of an enraged Princess. He cowered and took a step back, only to have his legs buckle from under him.

"You dared talk to her like that, miserable little-"

But he stopped suddenly when the meaning behind the chant filling the Town dawned. His mouth dropped open and he set off at a sprint towards where the noise was coming from.

"CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"

"NO! NO! NO!" Shiek yelled.

"CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"

A large group of men had gathered outside the pub. At a glance, he judged it to be something like three quarters of the entire male population of Kakariko. The remaining quarter was probably out on patrol or wearing pink. He fought her way into the crowd, but it was so dense and the people so eager for front row seats, that movement was only possible through generous usage of elbows and steel boot caps.

The crowd suddenly exploded around him and it was a while before he realized it was because everyone was cheering rather than being bombed. He pushed her way to the front and saw why.

A stool had been pulled out of the pub and was stood rather uncertainly on the cobbles. On the stool there was a girl of about seventeen. Her head was tilted back in the act of draining the last drops from a crystal shot glass. The roar of the crowd was due to the interesting things this was doing to the girl's chest, the way the spilt alcohol was soaking into her shirt, and the fact that she'd just broken the record for this particular drinking game.

Sheik knew this particular drinking game well: he'd watched the men hold it every night. A victim was placed on the wobbly stool and given a drink, which she had to drink in one. Then -and this was apparently the best part- the girl had to jump up and down whilst still remaining balanced on the stool. If she managed that, she was given another drink. And so on, until she's pretty blind stinking drunk.

The girl, egged on by the crowd and the alcohol, was now cheering and singing 'I am the champion' at the same time, and jumping about with added exuberance. Realizing she was about to fall off, the crowd surged forward hungrily.

"NO! This stops now!"

The men hesitated at Sheik's order and he stepped forward and caught the drunken girl as she toppled sideways. She curled up in his arms, still laughing, and murmured, "Did I win?"

"Well you didn't loose anything," Sheik growled, sweeping his soldiers with a burning glare.

The last few voices tinkled out into heavy, accusatory silence.

He'd known that they'd suspected something for a long time; not always the right things, but most of the soldiers had got the idea that their Captain wasn't exactly a thoroughly manly man. Right now though, he didn't care.

"I'm taking her to my room," he declared. "And I don't want any of you coming in until I say you can. Got that?"

At which the crowd started cheering again and parted to let him through.

"Men," he hissed in disgust, once far enough away.

The girl twisted in his arms but her movements were weak and sluggish. Her clear blue eyes dulled and half-closed and the laugh died into a sleepy smile. The light played over her face and through her golden hair, and Sheik knew she was the most perfect women he'd ever seen.

"Link," he said. "You've grown even more beautiful than the last time I saw you. You're like an angel."

And she threw up on his shirt. He brushed aside a stray strand of hair, allowing his fingers to gently stroke the silky soft skin. Link looked up into his face and down at the emblem on his chest.

"Oh no," she moaned. "It's you."

She struggled weakly again and suddenly her arm lashed out, fueled by the fires of alcohol, and struck Shiek in the jaw. It was a good punch and Shiek went down.

She shook her head to clear it and then started zig-zagging towards Death Mountain. The gate swirled unpleasantly infront of her, the ground bucked like waves, and she stumbled. Bandaged hands caught her.

The Heroine scowled and muttered, through lips parched and cracked from alcohol, "why'd you haf'ta take me away? It wzz free booze."

* * *

So perfect. So pure. So innocent.

"I'm so sorry, Link. But I can't let you do this."

She stirred in her sleep, twisting fitfully amongst the covers, her brow wrinkling in a frown of pain. Three short, soft gasps escaped her lips.

Sheik leant closer, the girl's breath playing over his ear as he lowered it to her mouth.

"Co…co…nuts," Link moaned.

Huh?

"No. Coconuts! They're attacking. Get back!"

And, all of a sudden, she had her arms around Sheik's neck and was pulling him down with incredible strength. Sheik's face was crushed down onto, and into, her chest. For an eternity, she seemed to hold him there, uttering small gasps of torment, whilst Sheik's heart grew to engulf his entire chest. But, eventually, sadly, the dream moved on, and Link released him and rolled away.

"They shouldn't make you do this. I will find the seven. Not you"

He emptied the sack out onto the floor. The contents were meagre: a few weapons, nuts, her ocarina. He placed her fingers in the holes, blew a few notes, and then pocketed it.

A glass jar lay on its side. Raising it to eye level, he found it held a golden brown fairy curled in on itself, rocking gently back and forth. He released the cork and it tumbled out, still curled into its foetal position as it fell through the air.

And there, the Master Sword.

--------------------

Holy crap, I made chapter 10. That is weeeiiird.

Sheik: 'he' or 'she'?


	11. nice guy

Does anybody realize the fairies are never there at important times? They just seem to bugger of somewhere.  
Eugh, this chapter is really sucky. Constructive criticism please. No flames.

* * *

A thousand tiny demons with toffee hammers, pounding repeatedly against her head. Link scrambled out of bed, hitting the floor, her hands waving through her long hair in an attempt to dislodge the things. When they felt nothing, she came to the conclusion that either the little demons with toffee hammers were intangible or that this was what they called a hangover.

"Oww." There was a memory waiting for her when she woke: a man in blue, seen from below, which referenced painfully with the memory of being laid in the mud outside Hyrule Castle. She leapt to her feet and was relieved to find she was still fully clothed. She was in a house, alone.

Outside, a person was giving a speech. It was the worst voice in the world she could've heard right now. Firstly, it was Sheik's. Secondly, he was doing it loudly so as to be heard over all the cheering. Red hot stripes of pain ripped through Link's temples.

"With this sword," Sheik was saying with great emotion. "With this evil destroying sword, we will crush our enemies and grind them into dust! Nothing can stand in our way. If it does, I will kill it! Will you join me!"

"YEAH!"

Link went to the window, wiped away the condensation, and stared through the grime.

I large crowd had gathered outside. In front of them, was That Man. He was holding something in the air, and a shaft of light spilling down from the heavens appeared to be shining off it, refracting off at all angles and colours. The scene might've been very beautiful to somebody not so hung-over.

"I said will you join me!"

This time, the response was so loud that all discernable words were lost, although it was generallyassumed to be a yes. The pane rattled in its window. Link groaned and stuck her head under the pillow.

"Are you awake yet?" a quite breathless voice said, after a while.

Link slid her head out and made her feelings quite clear by glaring hatefully at the man stood in the doorway.

Seven years had quite done wonders for him. Gone was the lanky boy she'd known. This guy was tall, slim and well built. The muscles on his arms legs and chest, though not large, were perfectly toned. She was also disgusted to see that his chest was broad, he had abs like breasts, and he held himself almost regally. Immensely disgusted. Very, very, immensely disgusted.  
Those were some _tight_ pants.

"Sorry if I woke you." From what was visible from his face, he was quite flushed, and his breath was quick and came in gasps. Very slowly, Link slid her arm over her shoulder, pretending to stretch, and ran her fingers over her back.

The Master Sword was gone.

"My sword. Where is it?"

The red eyes looked quite guilty.

"Give me my sword. Give it back." Sheik looked down at the floor, like a school boy in trouble. His hand was behind his back and, as he brought it round to his front, it brought with it the Master Sword. It too seemed to look ashamed, like an unfaithful spouse.

Link was on him in a second, pinning him to the floor, her hands scrabling for the sword like some rabid animal. Sheik's fist grew tighter around the hilt, the bandages creaking as they tensed. 

"Give it!."

"I will not! The responcibilities are too great!"

"I don't care! I want the responcibilities! If I don't have my destiny I'm just some stupid peasant girl, now give me what is mine!"

She swung at his face but found, quite literally in a flash, that it wasn't there anymore, though the floor was, which she hit. Standing, she found the room was empty and silent.The light trickling through the dirty window was starting to orange a bit.

"Son of a bitch," she swore.

The chandelier groaned. Link looked up.

"Cowardly son of a bitch. Get down here. Now!"

Shiek swung, gripping the chandelier with one hand, clutching the Master Sword to his chest with the other.

"No. Believe me, you can never be just a stupid peasant girl; to me you will always be a Princess."

Link found a book on the bedside table and threw it at him. When that didn't work, she threw the bedside table.

"Give it back!"

"No!"

She was just about to throw the bed when there was a thunk and Sheik's limp body hit the floorboards.

"What was all that about?" asked Navi from the chandelier, putting away her cosh. "And why is there a chandelier in here?" She flew down to where Link was kneeling beside the him. "I didn't kill him, did I?"

Link, who couldn't care less, took the Master Sword gingerly by the blade and pulled. The boy's hand remained frozen around the handle. She attempted to pry the fingers off but they seemed almost frozen on.

"He really didn't want you taking it, did he?"

Link positioned her foot in his arm pit and used it to pull harder. There were a number of sickly cracks from Shiek's arm and she smiled.

"Is it supposed to be glowing like that?"

"Navi, would you please be qui-?"

There was an almighty bang, an explosion of sparks, and Link was blasted across the room and into the bunk, whichexploded ina cloud ofchicken feathers. Sheik rolled slowly over the floor and into the wall with a soft clunk.  
Gingerly, Link slid out of the remains of the bed. "Man, that smarts. Navi, why didn't you warn me?"

A pile of spices and broken glass shifted from within the spice rack on the wall and released a coughing and spitting Navi.  
"I did! Did you get the sword?"

Link looked down at her hand and found she had, although her tunic sleeve had been singed off. She gave it a few experimental waves. It was nice to have it back.

And then they left, quickly, having pretty much trashed the place.

Navi returned a moment later and stole all the food out of the cupboards.

Link returned another moment later, kicked Sheik in the groin, and left, smiling.

After they'd left, Sheik groaned and rolled over, his hand clutching the Master Sword as he whimpered.

* * *

Navi had taken up residence in Link's shirt again. For some reason she seemed to like it down there, and spent most of her day there. Even all the bumping, jostling, and bouncing as Link scrambled over boulders and up walls of scree failed to annoy her. Nor the fact that Link- her body at least- had seen no shower in seven years. She lived like a tramp in a ditch. But a considerably happy tramp.

Link was so busy trying not to think how her clothes had changed over her seven year sleep that it was a long time before she registered Navi's muffled voice saying, "I found something!"

Linkblinked, stared down, and then wished she hadn't. "What is it?"

"Erm. It's small and round. I'm gonna try licking it, OK?" There was a pause. Link looked up, towards the summit of Death Mountain. They were, slowly but very slowly, nearing it.

It was a strange feeling climbing the mountain. Although it was far into the night, something which her body clock and the farhorizon agreed on, the halo of fire high above them made the whole mountain, as though the sun was still setting. And the dead quiet hung over this place, just like it had in Hyrule Town.

"Mmmmm," said Navi, mouth full.

"Well?"

"It was a skittle."

They continued their stately way up, over the lumps of ugly, black rock that littered the side of the volcano. Last time she remembered doing this, the whole thing had been vibrating underfoot with the pound of a thousand hammers and you couldn't put your hand down without it getting in a Goron orifice. There was none of that now.

There was a flurry of stones from above and Link looked up. Dust, stones, and a man nearly landed on top of her.

He slid, quite smoothly, like a graceful, black cat, off the top of the ridge and landed gently in the dust beside them. Link hadn't expected anyone to suddenly drop from the sky and she took a step back. She lost her footing, stumbled, and found herself sliding backwards into open air.

"So sorry. Didn't see you there," the man said, as he took her hand and pulled her to safety.

His voice was rich, and dark, and powerful, like black coffee andheld a faint hint of foreign in it. Link saw that the man was tall, nearing seven foot, and heavily muscled. Overly muscled. The dark and ancient armour he wore strained to constrain each oversized bicep, tricep, and quadcep. His hair was a dark copper shade but, in this light, it could've been anything from ginger to blonde to white.

He smiled, although the hand remainedtightly around hers.

"You wouldn't be Princess Zelda now, would you?" he asked.

"No!" Link scowled. "Geez, I'm sure there's more than one blonde girl in the whole of Hyrule."

He gave a hearty laugh and slapped her on the back with a hand the size of a cart wheel.

"Very well. May I ask what you're doing on this mountain?"

She could see it coming, and dropped straight into defensive mode.

"I'm saving the Goron's. Why? What's it to you?"

The man seemed to consider this.

"You know that is certain death," he said.

Here it comes...

And then the red haired man started off down the hillside, without a care for the life of a defenceless girl heading towards certain death.

"He didn't make me turn back," Link gasped. "He must be the nicest guy in the world."

* * *

That chapter took a lot of squeezing out. Suggestions are absolutely necessary for the next chapter. Not that I'll get them. :(

If you could give this Link a new name what would it be? It's just, if (and this is a seriously big if) the original, male Link were to be introduced, two Links could get seriously complicated.  
If anybody wants it, I drew a picture of female Link. It's quite brilliant if I do say so myself.


	12. Anything that can bleed for days

Since nobody seems to want to offer any advice I'm going to try a poll instead:

1) Chapter length?

A. Fast but short.

B. Long but hardly ever updated.

2) Would Link and Zelda getting naked in a hot tub:

A. **_Make the story super good._**

B. Cheapen the plot, seem highly unbelievable, and demean the characters.

3) Should the final pairing be:

A. _**Female Link and Zelda.**_

B. Female link and Sheik.

C. Link and Zelda.

D. Not be Link and Sheik.

E. Female link and Link?

4)Should I:

A. Stop now.

B. Quit while I'm ahead.

* * *

"This is the cave?" 

Halfway up the mountain, they'd come across a gaping hole in the side that sloped down into absolute blackness. The bones of Goron heroes littered the mouth.

From deep within the bowels came a low, guttural growl, as if from some huge, reptilian beast. It stretched out for several minutes, and sounded hungry.

"Seems like it," Navi offered.

Trying to find a brave, heroine face, Link very slowly stepped over the lip of the cave. A blast of warm moist air hit her. She felt like she was walking into a giant's mouth.

Were those stalagmites or teeth...?

Navi watched Link scream and come running back into the light.

"I thought you were supposed to be courageous."

Link pointed a shaking finger at the black maw.

"It's a giant mouth!" she yelled.

Navi gave the cave a glance and then laughed.

"Don't be stupid. If that was a mouth then the monster'd have to be like...really...really..._really _big. Now get in there and beat its big, dumb as- HOLY CRAP! IT'S A GIANT MOUTH!"

Over the last seven years, as the Goron population dwindled and the Goron heroes were sent off to fight in the great terraqua war, the beast dwelling that dwelled in Dodongo's Cavern had found its food source no longer ventured into its cave. It started to starve. It ate the other monsters. Then it gnawed the walls and chewed lava for a few years.

But it needed live food.

In a last ditch attempt, it lifted its heavily wasted body up and out of the cave, and devoured a party of Hylian warriors who had been on their way to defeat it and completely unprepared to see it so early.

They were the last it ate for a long time. It went into hibernation and, due to the volcanic fallout, was quickly buried, the colossal body hidden beneath rocks and ash though it kept its mouth and half an ear open.

For two thousands it had lived. It had eaten kings, towns, civilizations. When something the size of a fly insulted it, it got pretty pissed off.

Link turned and sprinted as the mountain moved quite purposefully beneath her. Boulders and stones cascaded everywhere by the rising of the two front feet. The back feet stretched, caving in much of the cavern hidden behind it.

"I told you so!" Link screeched.

A deafening scream and a torrent of fire from what she'd thought was a cave scoured the side of the mountain. She dived behind a rock as a wall of flame and thrown-up stone obliterated where'd she'd just been.

"Arggghhh!" agreed Navi.

"What the hell do I do now!"

"Arggghhh!" Navi offered.

The ground shook...more so. An enormous, clawed foot crashed down beside the boulder and a head filled the sky overhead, ready to rain fiery death upon her.

Link took a long, steadying breath. She was a Hero. Granted, not a very good one but a Hero none-the-less. It was about time she did some proper Heroing work.

And it was better to die trying than cowering..

She rolled out from behind the rock; reached for the sword holstered on her back, and swung it at the gnarled pillar-like leg before her.

The blade passed through the blackened skin with all the resistance of cutting open a baked potato. The Dodongo roared in pain, tried to step forward with it's wounded leg and smush her good with it, and found it's foot flap away from the ankle. Save for the few inches of skin on which the foot now hinged, it had been cut clean through by the sword

A torrent of green blood hit Link. The beast stumbled, whining pitifully. This was the first time anything had hurt it. It was the first time in a thousand it had felt pain.

_Damnit! He was the King of Dodongos! Nobody treated it this way!_

And, half-rearing, half hobbling forwards, it brought the entirety of its colossal bulk crashing down where the girl was standing...

Something small and insignificant squashed beneath it. Good. It gurgled happily to itself. Though his leg would take some healing atleast the evil human female was dead.

It opened its eyes and found the evil Hylian female was stood by its nose, holding her sting in her hand. There was a blur of silver, and its eyeball burst with blood, jelly, and pain.

Half-blinded by rage, the other half from only having one eye left, it swept the whole mountainside with its napalm breath.

A great deal of red was obscuring its vision. Through the red it could see waves of rippling orange, and, slipping out from behind a chunk of brown, a speedy, green dot that JUST WOULDN'T DIE!

It started to pound after the dot, screaming in pain each time weight was put on the loose and flapping foot, heading for the summit. The blood pouring from its eye kept blocking the green from view, though it could tell it was gaining. The evil creature had stopped, was turning to face it. Spurred on, it threw everything it had into a last, blind, full-body lunge.

At the last moment, something fast and blue slammed into the green enemy, knocking it to safety.

The point where it should've hit the floor passed, and was filled only with a whistling of air. This was followed by a short feeling of warmth and then a very long feeling of nothing at all...

* * *

"You...saved me?" 

There was a deep boom as King Dodongo ended his 500 metre fall into a pit of boiling lava, taking with it a Fire Temple, a dragon, and all that remained of the Goron population. The mountain shook, spewed fiery ash, but gradually the tremors settled.

Over Sheik's shoulder, the ring of fire dispersed into a rain of fine ash. The mountain was at peace again.

Her attention drew back to the boy still wrapped round her in a protective hug. His hood and much of his shirt had been torn off. A thin line of blood ran down his concerned face.

It was the first time she'd ever seen his face. It looked familiar somehow. The ash settled in his short, fine hair, turning it grey.

"You saved me!"

"Are you OK?" he asked.

"I'd be great if you'd just GET OFFA ME!"

She shoved him away. He fell back, wincing and clutching at his chest.

"I don't need sa..."

The boy had pulled back the torn fragments of blue still clinging to his right arm. They were sticky and coloured brown with blood. All the way up his arm a single, painful bruise was appearing. In numerous places, the skin had been sliced by the dead Dodongo's passing claws.

The angle of the arm was totally wrong. It was dislocated.

Link felt the bottom fall out of her stomach, a sudden and terrible rush of guilt.

He'd risked his life and nearly lost his arm to save her. She would've been dead, but instead was unscaved.

"Um, sorry?"

A ring of blue light seeped out of the stone at her feet and started to grow into a column of light around her.

He looked so beaten up, standing there, she thought as the light lifted her off her feet, and yet so much more like a hero than she'd ever be.

Sheik stare forlornly at her, with a look of abject failure on his face, and then start to make his slow, sorry way back to Kakariko Village.

"Wait!"

She stepped out of the ring and ran after him.

* * *


	13. and not die

I made a chapter! Look! A completely new chapter and everything. K, so two chapters were destroyed to create it and at this rate I'll be going backwards but it's still a new chapter!. The storyline is becoming less convoluted with each reworking.

I apologise again for the long delay.

* * *

Propping Sheik against the wall, Link tried the door to his home. 

"It's locked."

"Yeah," Sheik hissed through clenched teeth. "The key's in my pocket; if you could just slide your hand in?"

There was the sound of splintering wood. Link went back to Sheik and slid her arm under his shoulder.

"Do you mind bleeding on me like that?"

"Sorry."

They staggered in through the broken door. Link, rather unceremoniously, dumped Sheik on the bed, where he whimpered and fought back tears.

"Do you know how to perform a reduction?" he hissed through clenched teeth.

"A what?"

"Get the joint back into the socket."

"The what in the what?"

Shiek groaned in exasperation and fear at being treated by this girl. But at the same time, she trusted her completely.

"Maybe I should go get somebody else," Link said, moving for the door.

"No!" he yelled, straining to lift himself on the bed. "I want you to do it."

Her face was pale as she returned to his side.

"What do I need to do?"

"Take my arm there and pull."

"Pull?"

"Pull."

"Not push?"

"Pull."

"...you sure you mean pull?"

"Do I look like I'm joking?" Shiek grimaced.

Link wrapped her hands around the arm and pulled. With a meaty crunched and a sickly lurch, the arm moved upwards.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAA!"

A bucket of ice cold water filled her chest. Had she done it wrong? Had she made it worse? Her eyes were transfixed on his face as it stretched in a ugly mask of agony.

"AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHH!"

"Please- please, stop screaming."

"NNNNNAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!"

She did the only thing she could think of to shut him up. Leaning over, she kissed him. She kept kissing him until she was sure he had stopped. It went on for a long time. It was better to be safe than sorry.

"Such a pleasant bedside manner."

Link broke off and aimed a vicious kick at the speaker, the smart-ass little amber fairy hovering a foot off the floor. He dodged, glowing gleefully.

_Bastard! He had no right to watch that._

She turned back to Shiek, who was settled back against the pillows, a soft smile on his lips. He slept soundly. She wished Deku wasn't here and then repressed that thought immediately.

The cut on his arm was still flowing with blood and would need to be taken care of. Link scanned the small room for medical equipment and then realised Shiek was practically a walking bandage supply.

Deku shook his head as she tried to unwrap some of the bandages tied around his arms. "The cut's too deep. You're gonna have to stitch it. He keeps a needle and thread in the chest at the end of the bed."

Link retrieved the items and returned. There was a long silence.

"You know how to sew, don't you?" Deku asked.

"How the hell would I know how to sew!"

"I thought all girl's could-"

Ignoring the fairy for his own sake, Link stabbed the needle in, pulled it through Shiek's flesh, and tugged it back out. It seemed nothing could shake the soft smile on Shiek's lips as it remained even as she repeated the process until the wound was closed. The cut still wept a little. Gentle, she raised Shiek's uninjured arm and unwrapped a length of bandage, cutting it off with the Master Sword. She made to bandage the wound.

"You sure you want to be doing that?" the annoying voice enquired from over her shoulder.

"Yes, Deku, I'm sure."

"Oh..."the voice said with a smile. "It's just there's a bottle of red potion on the bedside table."

The infuriating thing about Deku was that he's always right.

"You seem in a pleasant mood," Link noted, uncorking the bottle and spreading the salve over Shiek's damaged shoulder, "maybe you need a little more time in confinement."

Deku shuddered involuntarily. "Sorry. I've learnt my lesson. From now on I will only think of you as a super-manly masculine man."

"Good." She finished applying the potion and began carefully bandaging the area.

Deku could wait no longer. "So what was a super-manly masculine man doing kissing the Captain of Kakariko Village?"

* * *

Deku watched from inside the bottle, as Link sat and just stared at the old tin bath that sat against one of the walls of the hut. She'd been there for a while, apparently contemplating, occasionally looking at the state of her clothes, skin, and hair, which were entirely covered in congealed and dried green Dodongo blood. Presently, she stood and with a solomn air, removed her hat. She threw it back so that it landed ontop of the bottle in which Deku was contained, obscuring everything from view. 

Soon, there was the sound of running water.


	14. is truly a Hero

Thanks to everybody who reviewed especially those who said the chapters were getting to short. My God, I could kiss you. I don't get helpful criticism very often. I hope this chapter is long enough, I stopped it here because I just wanted to show I'm still making chapters and it seemed a nice place to finish.

I retconned the last two chapters so to save you having to read it, basically all that changed is Link kisses Shiek. Having them at odds all the time was getting on my nerves.

If you don't like the chapter in any way, please say and it'll get edited.

And I finally have all my school work under control so I should be able to get another chapter out within the week.

Small questionairre: Do you want Link and Shiek to:

a) Work together

b) Continue with Link hating him and working alone.

c) Forced to work together but still with Link hating him.

_

* * *

_

_These tangles are _murder_ to get out!_

"Link?"

Pausing in her eternal struggle against a particularly vicious knot, she pulled herself up to peer over the rim of the bathtub. Shiek was sat up in bed, swinging his arm slowly, testing it.

"How is it?"

His eyes, focused on the slipshod bandaging, snapped up; he hadn't actually expected her to stay around. He gave an experimental stretch and smiled.

"Good as new."

Content with the diagnosis, Link slid back into the tub and stretched her foot up, grasping the tap with her toes and turning, allowing a stream of icy mountain spring water to flow in. She lay back and relaxed, the top layer of scum lapping around her ears.

Shiek rose and crossed the room, drawing up a stool to seat himself beside the bath. Despite the situation, she wasn't as unnerved as she'd expected, mostly because the water was now so full of dirt it had the consistency of and was as opaque as gravy. He stared at his hands, gave a little cough, and said, "I thought what you did up that mountain was really, really great."

"Thanks. Nobody liked the Gorons much, did they?"

"I mean you showed real bravery and courage," Shiek continued. "And I realised that even if I took the Master Sword off you, you'd still try, you'd still try to save the world but you'd fail. But if I give you the Sword back at least you stand a chance. And I'll always be there to protect you, in case there's ever anything big and dangerous hurtling towards you."

He rose again, crossed the room, and picked up the Sword that had dropped from his hands when they entered. As he returned, Link's eyes grew wide. It was the Master Sword, or a very good likeness.

He held it out, hilt first. ""So I'm returning it to you."

From the base of the bath, Link dredged up her Master Sword, the green water sliding off its gleaming blade. "A nice offer, but I've already got the genuine."

* * *

"Deku. Deku! Come on! Snap out of it man." 

The effects of solitary bottle confinement on the fairies mental state was again severe and they had to slap him around a bit before he responded. When he did, it was with the quiet and soulless voice of a tortured man.

"Hmm?"

"Deku, two Master Swords. What the hell?"

For a while, he just stared blankly at the two swords Link was holding out, then he shrugged in abject resignation.

"I don't know, but its very odd. I'll have to convene with the Goddesses a moment. Although I'm sure they wont be pleased."

Momentarilly, the fairy was silent and his aura dimmed. Then he was back.

" The Goddesses say the Master Sword is torn, both physically and mentally. It is unsure who is its master. You must both prove your worth to it and, when the time comes, it will chose its and become whole again. Only then will it have the power to defeat Ganondorf."

Link exchanged an uneasy glance with Shiek. Their brief moment of camaraderie was shattered. They were very much apposed again. Briefly she contemplated keeping the second Master Sword but decided not to: it was about time she proved she was still as good as her uncursed self had been destined to be. She hadn't Shiek his sword back and said "may the best man win."

"Oh, one more thing," Deku added. "The Goddesses also said that Ganondorf's army will be ready to march on Kakariko in seven days so they recommend getting a move on. Seven days, four temples. May the wind of Roc be behind you."


	15. Chapter 15

From the sound of things, the Town's militia were a bunch of rat-arsed slackers and now Sheik was on the war path to get them straightened out in a week. Orders flowed like wine.

"I want the construction of the outer wall finished by Thursday at the latest."

The head builder, a moustachioed, fat man with a straining cummerbund, raised his hand. "That would require pushing the deadline forwards several months..."

It seemed the first rule to being a good leader was to come up with impossible demands and then get people to do them, Link noted as she sat against the trunk of a nearby tree and watched Captain Sheik giving orders to the soldiers congregated in the centre of Town. This only came second to referring to all the men under your command by demeaning girls names.

"Should be easy if you get off your fat arse and do some work for once," Sheik snapped, causing the builder to run off crying. "And I want plans drawn up to get the women and children armed and down into the catacombs. And get all the scouting parties and the harvest -early, I know- recalled from the fields."

Another soldier began to object but Sheik silenced him with a warning finger. "I'll get it done, Sir."

"And I want two horses ready."

Several men volunteered for this task, it being the easiest one by far, and moved out of the crowd towards the back of the village, where the stables were.

"Have everybody's on double rations; if we're still here in a week we'll worry about supplies then. Stakes need sharpening. The burning oil needs topping up. OK, ladies, you all know what you're doing so get to work. I want this place locked down tighter than Ganondorf's arse by Friday."

The crowd began to disperse purposefully; nobody wishing to be found idle with the Captain so tetchy.

"Charlie, a word," said Sheik, singling out one of them and heading for his cabin..

The second Sheik's cabin door shut behind him, the men started looking for ways to slack off.

"Bah," Deku spat. " Lot of good this'll do them. Ganondorf's army will number hundreds to every man here. There's no way they can defend it. And no way can you clear out four temples in seven days."

Link looked over at the fairy, whose aura was burning with rage.

"Wanna bet?"

He sighed. "Link, if I lose the bet, I'm going to be spending eternity in fiery torment anyway. What would I have to gain?"

"A smug sense of superiority?"

Deku contemplated it. It was a tempting offer: despite the fact that he knew for a fact he was, being a deity, far superior than anyone else on the planet and could in fact give how many times superior to fifty eight decimal places, there was the problem that nobody ever acknowledged it. It would be nice to rub it in somebody's inferior face for once..

"And if I lose?"

Link smiled. "You have to have a fist-fight with Ganondorf."

He was immortal anyway, what harm could it do? "Deal. I suppose I'll just begin preparing for an eternity of pain then."

Link punched him hard in the face.

"Argh! What was that for?"

"Helping you prepare," she grinned. "I thought the Goddesses were all loving anyway."

"Oh, they are, most days. I just happened to go see them in the wrong time of the month and BANG! Doomed to oblivion."

_Wrong time of the month?_ "They're...werewolves?"

Smiling, the tiny deity said, "...not exactly. I'm sure you'll find out soon enough." He nursed his bruised nose. "Seems like there is natural justice after all."

Unsure what exactly he was going on about, she guessed anything that entertained Deku was a bad omen for herself but took solace in the knowledge that in a week she'd only either be dead or alive, whilst he'd be sizzling soul.

"It's not good, is it?"

"Not good period," sneered Deku, apparently enjoying himself now.

"I hate you," Link scowled, ignoring the jackass.

The minutes passed and the sounds of activity around the Town built as men set to work, though Link thought the noise would've been a little more hectic and the idle chatter a lot quieter if they'd actually known what was coming in a week. The horses were bought, a tall white stallion and a chestnut mare. She'd never liked horses much - all the ones she'd seen had always seemed so arrogant - and these were no exceptions: the white stallion held itself almost regally and the mare glared pretentiously down her long nose until she found more interest in a tuft of grass.

"These yours?" the soldier bringing them asked. Link nodded and he came over and tied their reins around the tree. The mare nibbled at her hat. "You got just the one of those?"

Busy saving her hat, Link looked up and saw him nodding in the direction of Deku. She wasn't exactly comfortable with the prospect of getting drawn into a conversation with a male but she said, "I got two," ignoring the indignant splutter of the fairy. A satchel was dropped at her feet; it was glowing and thrashing.

"Found it messing around the graveyard," the soldier said. "Thought it might belong to you so..."

"Cheers." Dragging the satchel over, she released the catch and Navi flew out, took one look at the soldier and ducked beneath Link's hat with a 'humph'

There was something else in the satchel. Turning it upside down, a Hylian Shield and a contraption of light blue metal and steel fell out. It consisted of a handle and a sharp, polished hook attached to a long length of chain.wrapped around the section in-between. She pocketed it and slung the shield across her back.

The soldier was still stood there.

"You expecting a reward or something?" Link asked.

"Uhh, no, I...I'd best go."

The reason: his boss was back. The man known as Charlie was pale and shaking visibly even from this distance, and he gave a weak smile and wave when Sheik said some last words to him and then hurried towards them. He went straight for the stallion, wrapped his arms around its neck for a moment in a hug, and then climbed expertly on.

"Let's go. We don't have much time."

Link got to her feet. "Can't I have the white one?"

"Sorry. He only let's me ride him." He hugged its neck again. "Isn't that right, scoochy poo. Yes it is! Yes it is. Aww, I wuv you sooo much!"

Eugh!

The horse glared in discontent at her as she climbed up. She was ungainly and sat like a sack of potatoes, much to the annoyance of the horse, but she wasn't much bothered.

"What were you guys talking about anywho?" Link enquired.

"Just telling Charlie what's going to happen in a week. He should keep the men properly motivated."

It was then that the man called Charlie stood in the centre of the Town and said, in a voice surprisingly loud and vicious for such a mild-mannered man, "ALL RIGHT, YOU SHEEP-WORRYING MOTHER-LOVERS, GET TO WORK! IF I DON'T SEE FINGERS WORN DOWN TO THE BONE IN FIFTEEN MINUTES SOMEBODY GETS FLOGGED! YOU SLEEP WHEN YOU DIE!"

"I don't think we have anything to worry about," Sheik smiled.

They moved out.


	16. Hey Gringo!

Sooner of later I'm going to put Master Chief instead of Master Sword.

Also, if anybody can come up with a better description for this story than the one it already has you'll get...this big thing ofriches. I'm not sure what reward I could give. An intelligent review? Well, anyway, on with the story.

* * *

They'd left the horses where the Zora's river flowed into the larger Hyrule River once the grass and brambles became so unkempt and dense that progress could only be made on foot, using swords or over the cracked mud of the River bed. 

Dirtied, cut hands grabbing clumps of the razor-sharp coarse grass, Link pulled herself over the top of another of the outcrops of earth that hung over the dried up River, and slid down the other side. She jumped near the bottom and landed heavy, equipment jangling.

"Is it clear down there?" Sheik was a little behind; mostly because every now and again he had to stop to complain about how much his boots had cost and what the hike was doing to them. With a few swipes of the Master Blade, the thorny bushes cluttering the base of the slope disintegrated.

"It's clear," she called back up.

Crouching on the ground, she took a second to catch her breath. She wiped the sweat off her brow with her hand and used the sweat to wipe the dirt off her hand. The sun was up and hot, without breeze, obliterating any shade. It shone dully off something in the River. Muscles protesting, she rose and went to check it out.

The thing lay at a crooked angle, half submerged in the thick, green water in the river bed, its round mouth clogged with weeds. It was made of metal and heavily corroded but the general shape was still that of an octorok and a lick of purple paint remained on some of the eight legs. One of the glass half-spheres used for eyes had fallen out, revealing a cracked lens. Amazingly, a little light next to the lense blipped on, and it turned shakily to follow her approach.

"Damnit, now my shoelaces are all caked too. This's going to take- LINKGETAWAYFROMTHATTHING!"

Sheik flew past, her mud-caked boot connecting with the octobot in a powerful, agile, aerial kick. The poor thing was wrenched from its stand, and lay on the bottom, emitting an almost pitiful electronic whine and spraying sparks like blood. Sheik stood over it, raised the Master Sword high, and plunged it into the thing's circuits. The little red light faded.

Meeting her confused look with a scolding glare, Sheik rammed the Master Sword back into its sheath. "I told you not to go on ahead!"

"What was that thing?"

"We called them Sentinels. They watch all the entrances to their domain. If they see you, you get a squad of armed Zora coming down on you in minutes. They made surprise attacks practically impossible.

"But Zora's Domain's all frozen up, right? Deku told me."

Sheik was apparently not persuaded. His eyes flittered about the gorge for any signs of trouble and he was dancing anxiously around Link, wishing to place himself between her and danger but not sure where the danger was.

"Ha!" he declared triumphantly, lunging and driving his sword through a bush.

The bush turned out to be just a bush.

"I guess you're right," he conceded.

* * *

The months long silence of the Princess's quarters was suddenly broken by an incessant beeping. A section of the flawless white floor slid upwards and a thin monitor rose into the air, antigrav engines disturbing the thin layer of dust coating the floor. The screen lit up, showing a view of the Zora's River. A young woman in green was peering closer to the camera. Behind her, a blue-clad man rolled to the bottom of a hill, picked himself up, and saw the camera. A second later, the angle of the camera was pointing up at clear blue sky, then a thin sliver of silver flicked past and the screen went black. The clip replayed. 

A section of the wall slid out as the monitor had. It was cylindrical and roughly the side of a bed. The top half slid open and warm mist ran out over the rim.

"Princess, we have intruders," an electronic voice warbled in the Zoran tongue.

A blue hand gripped the rim of the tray and the Princess pulled herself into a sitting position. She yawned, stretched, and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, all four of them, her free eyes watching the monitor keenly. Eventually, she swung her legs over the edge.

Across the room, a wall turned itself inside out, exposing a excess of weaponry. She crossed to them, selected a Plasma Autorifle, her favourite weapon, which she slung over her shoulder, and wrapped a belt of plasma capsules around her waist, breaking the seal on one of them and slotting it into the base of the gun.

"Lock and load, Ruto. Once more into the breach, dear friend," she said, jabbing the door release button and stepping out.

_How long had she been talking to herself_, she wondered,_ it'd been lonely guarding the Domain for four months while the others slept in their cryocoffins, especially after watching the entire collection of action movies for the tenth time, but it wasn't as if she had to go all crazy on herself._

The Domain was a mess. With all power routed to the cryocoffins and her quarters, all the machinery law where it had been left, rusting. Computer terminals had toppled over and fractured, showering the walkways with shining fragments of their crystalline circuitry. And over everything was a layer of frost and ice.

Climbing and jumping swiftly up the walkways, she reached her chosen sniping position, which overlooked the entrance to the cavern. More importantly, she'd seeded the area with the revolutionary, genetically-modified red algae, so that the ice was now imbued with a scarlet hue and gave off a little heat, vitally important for an amphibian spending a lot of time on watch.

Flattening herself to the floor close to the edge of the ledge, she brought the rifle round and positioned the targeting reticle over the entrance. She didn't have long to wait. The blue guy and the green girl walked right in.

"I see dead people," she smiled, and pulled the trigger.

* * *

"Looks like we're going to be okay after all," Sheik said, with perfect timing, finishing just as a stream of white-hot liquid fire lanced past. 


	17. Chapter 17

Link's body reacted on instinct before she even consciously registered the bolts of blue flame streaming in their direction. She had the Hylian Shield in her hand and raised to block instantly. With her other hand, she grabbed Shiek and pulled him behind her. The plasma strung the shield with force enough to shatter a lesser man's arm bones but she held the shield steady as the plasma bolts continued to break explosively against the metal, spraying the area with flecks of corrosive fire.The onslaught paused momentarilly, then resumed, now aimed at their feet. Switching the shield to her less-sore, left arm, she crouched and blocked, the plasma spraying out over the top of the shield inches from their heads.

Her left arm quickly began to shake with exertion but she knew it would be the shield that would give out first. The underside was starting to glow and the wooden backing was giving off smoke. The smoke grew thicker, the glow grew brighter, and she whinced as the skin on her arms began to blister. But she'd hold on, she had to, no matter the pain, or they'd both be dead.

Shiek's fist reached round her and slammed into the backside of the shield, snapping the scorched strap and sending the shield skittering away, splittering and cracking as it slid and cooled over the ice. Shiek's other arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her backwards and sideways out of harms way, as plasma sprayed where they'd just been. He continued to drag her until they were behind one of the large, metal memory banks. The plasma pounded against the other side.

"Show me your arm," Shiek said.

Link wished she'd kept her cloak. Now wasn't the time for Shiek to be getting distracted about her wellbeing. She gingerly tucked the damaged arm behind her back.

"It's fine."

Thankfully, Shiek didn't pursue it further. This was mostly because the tortured front surface of the memory bank suddenly gave an ear piercing scream of wrenching, expanding metal. Their defence shuddered.

"What the hell is that? A dragon?"

"The Zora's are legendary for their technology. I fear it is worse than a dragon."

"Two dragons!"

"I don't think it's a dragon."

Link couldn't really think of anything worse than a dragon so she decided to focus on getting them ou of the situation. It wasn't easy. The situation was like this: they were trapped behind a rapidly diminishing metal box that could explode at any time; the area around them was flat ice, except for a nearby cliff over a twenty foot drop to solid ice; and there was something worse than a dragon, which could breate blue-white, exploding fire. The thing that wasn't a dragon had the higher ground, they had no way of reaching it, and their only shield was gone.

* * *

Argh! i don't believe it! I spend ten minutes writing several more paragraphs after this one without looking at the screen, then I check and find Windows media player has replaced it with a page about something useless. What's annoying is that i was typing to a page about mp3 licenses for about five minutes. sigh 

Again, i need some deirection with this if i'm going to get going with it again. A little of that would be helpful.

Damnit! I'll rewrite the lost paragraphs when I can but GODDAMNIT. I am so switching to itunes.


	18. Goddamnit, I can write better than this!

Another section of the console blew off, raining shards of crystal and glowing metal around them. So much of it was gone they were crouched now, with only a few inches of zoranium alloy and hard drive above their heads to protect them.

"Any ideas yet?" Shiek asked. Sweat was rolling down his face, soaking the bandages that he'd tied about his neck. Probably from the heat than fear, Link thought, He looked calm.

"It's pretty hard to think in this situation!" Link snapped, wishing she possessed that cool exterior. "Hey, can't Shiekah do that magic teleport thing?"

"Alas, my teachings never got that far. My teacher was tragically killed before-"

"Now isn't the time for life stories."

"Sorry."

"How's this for a plan? You jump out and perform some sortof frantic dance to distract the dragon-thing. I'll see if I can reach somewhere safe, find a shield, return, save you, we trade places-"

* * *

The spray of plasma spluttered and cut out. With a well-trained action, Ruto thumbed the catch, slid the empty plasma canister from the bottom of the gun, slammed another pre-desealed one in, and resumed fire before the enemy even had a chance to think about making a break for it. This was too easy. Just once she wished the Hylians would come up with a better plan than just Charge! Something with forethought and tactics, so that she could (easily of course) outwit them and break the monotony that life as the soul Guardian of the ice-entombed Domain had become.

The hot spent canister hissed on the snow, useless now as ammo but, now were empty and filled only with vacuum, extremely effective as an implosion grenade. Without once letting up the firing, she shifted the heavy gun to her left arm, grabbed and armed the canister with her right, and lobbed it at the enemy's position. At leas it'd clear them out of their little defense, get them running, make them a little more fun to hunt down.

* * *

"-then it's home in time for tea," Link finished.

"I think that's the worst plan I've ever heard. Especially the part with the clowns."

"I liked that part!"

A silver can landed on the ice near them and slid, stopping near their feet. A red light near the top of it blinked on and off, growing quickly faster.

"What the Din's that?" It bleeped with each blink of the light. The bleeps were becoming quite insistent, soon merged almost into a hum. "A dragon egg?"

Shiek lunged forward, seized the object, and threw it back.

"Like a Deku Nut," he gasped, diving back under cover. "But a thousand times more powerful."

This was confirmed by a massive, dull DOOOOOM noise, which seemed to suck in on itself. The cavern rocked, showing them in a rain of tiny icicles. The firing had stopped. The shriek of metal continued, only it was no longer the console making it. Link risked a glimpse round the side. Shiek's throw had been superb, hitting the walkway high above them, which buckled and writhed like a pained Deku baba. A Zora, the blue fire spraying wildly from a silver thing in its hands as it tumbled, was thrown from it and plummeted. There was no dragon in sight. Some deep-down Hero instinct in Link felt disappointed. It was _convention_ for the hero to fight a dragon! Though to be honest, if convention held, she'd probably be tied to a stake at the time.

Shiek's hand tucked at her tunic. "We must away "

She shook him away, watching the Zora and her fire can fall. "Don't worry. You got it."

"I wouldn't be so sure. I'd prefer if we awayed."

And then Link saw that the Zora's fall was slowing as it neared the ground and that it was already raising the little dragon in its arms.

"Yeah, on seconds thoughts, awaying sounds good."

They awayed pretty damn sharpishly. There were four ways available for this: one was out the exit which obviously didn't lead to the water temple, one was towards the Zora, which obviously led to certain death, and the last two went further into Zoras Domain, one sloping down to the right and one going up to the left, into a tunnel carved into the rock. Link chose the left and was halfway up it before she realized Shiek wasn't with her. Her thought of backtracking was quickly quashed by the sight of the Zora reaching the splitting of roads and choosing the left, heading up at a patient jog, its cold eyes and weapon focused right on her. If it had been a dragon what would've been the mouth of it began to glow blue.

Obviously she was starting to rely on Shiek's presence too much. She half expected him to appear behind the Zora and skillfully knock it unconscious with a single blow. This failed to happen but, by the time the fire cannon's mouth had finished glowing and was spewing blue-hot fire her way, she was well into enacting her backup plan. It wasn't a complex plan but she hadn't had a lot of time to make it. It mostly consisted of getting the Master Sword out and tapping into her latent super-human powers, warrior reflexes, and dumb luck to save her ass.

The first shot she blocked. And the second. By the third, she was getting the hang off it and the deflected plasma went vaguely where she intended it to. The slight smell of cooking fish filled the air as the shot just missed the Zora's head. It didn't even flinch. It stopped, smiled, and flicked a little catch.

"You like tennis, huh?" the Zora grinned. "Lets see how you like bowling." The weapon in her hands was giving off a worrying, low-pitched hum now and the end was glowing white. Bits popped out, moved around, or began to glow too, until the gun was a lot shorter, wider, and glowing and humming so much it looked ready to explode.

And then it did. A huge ball of plasma exploded from the weapon. Link swung with all her strength and for a second the projectile hung on the edge of the blade, as her strength fought against the boundless inertia of it. The heat radiating from it was enough to singe her hair, ignite her tunic, and give her a rather nice sun tan for a few weeks. Then, millimeter by millimeter, she forced it back. She didn't get much speed on it before it left the blade. It sidled lazily through the air towards the ground. The Zora was already running. Link thought it best to do the same.

She was almost at the top of the tunnel, coming out into what was ornate enough to look like a throne room, when the plasma ball exploded. The blast of air, heat, and shattered rock caught her and threw her bodily across the room into a wall. She pulled herself up, groaning and pulling shards of rock out of her back, half blind from where the ball was imprinted on her vision and staggered dizzily for the exit.

The first one she tried came out at the top of a frozen waterfall, twenty meters above the floor of ice and rock below. She was about to jump down before she realized that was a stupid idea brought on by concussion. She staggered back into the throne room. The tunnel she'd come up through was blocked with rubble, though from the sounds of Zoran swearing and gunfire and the gloop of melting rock, that wouldn't be for long. There had to be another exit. Royalty always had escape routes out back. With this in mind, she pulled herself up onto the ledge that was the throne and spied the ice-coated tunnel leading out into open air. Though she was still trapped by high rock walls. A small lake was on her right, half frozen over, with miniature icebergs bobbing around in it in strangely regular patterns. There was only one exit she could see and that was a large hole in the wall at the other side of the enclosure, which would probably require her to jump across several icebergs to reach it. She wasn't exactly sure how accurate the Zora was with the weapon but she didn't much like the idea of it taking pot shots at her whilst she slipped about on ice.

The only other way out of the enclosure was a large opening in the rock wall, fenced off by a row of wooden posts, thick but weakened by age and brittle from frost. A swift kick broke one apart and she climbed through..

* * *

The wide-beam plasma fire finished its work and the molten rock oozed and solidified down the tunnel. She climbed through, slightly blistering her sensitive skin against the heat, but ignoring the pain and hurried after her prey.

She reached the throne room, finding it empty. "Not that that bothered her. The human could run, it couldn't hide. Tapping a button on her visor, the heat display of her Head Up Display activated. Most of the frozen room turned up as blue-black but the faint vestiges of heat from a passing body still hung over the ramp leading up to the throne as an orange mist. There was no sign that it had backtracked.

Out into Jabu-Jabu's compound. A quick sweep of the area revealed no threat and so she followed the trail of heat to a section of broken fence and through. Beyond that, the compound's overflow water ran down in a wide, shallow stream into what was left of Lake Hyrule. The rocks here were worn smooth with age and she slid nimbly down them and landed in the once-submerged mud banks of the lake that had once been submerged. The heat and the deep human prints in the soft mud led down to the water's edge and stopped. Apparently the prey had taken a swim, the currents dissipating any heat it gave off too quickly for the sensor to be of any use. Underwater combat could be a problem too: the plasma exploded on impact with the water, superheating it, and scalding the wielder to death; making the rifle practically useless except for suicide which, to be honest, if she didn't kill this human soon, she'd be thinking about doing. It was just _embarrassing_. Slinging the rifle it over her shoulder, she drew her knife, and stepped in.

* * *

Treading water, Link peered out cautiously from behind her rock and watched the Zora step smoothly into the water, its hydrodynamic body barely making a ripple. What the hell had she been thinking bringing a fight with a Zora into a Lake? Well, she couldn't make a run for it now without getting cut down by the Dragon. The Master Sword would be unwieldy underwater; she drew the Kokiri Sword instead, barely more than a dagger on her after these seven years and waited.

A flash of silver scales as the Zora suddenly dived and vanished beneath the Lake's surface. Sucking in a deep breath, she ducked beneath the surface too.

What little water remained in the lake was clouded with life and dirt forced into smaller and smaller confines as the lake shrank, causing her eyes and the raw skin on her arm to sting with filth. Through it she made out a slim blue dart weaving through the murk, searching. It stopped, hung there, and she knew it had seen her. She started forward, feeling uselessly slow and clumsy fighting against the resistance of the water, feeling a fish out of water versus literally a fish in water. Maybe she should back up, bring the fight back onto good, solid home turf.

Then the body of the Zora flicked and it was soaring towards her through the water, spinning.

The first two seconds of contact were chaos. They thrashed violently beneath the surface, like a fish on a hook, in a blur of hands and knives. Link found she had the Zora's dagger arm in her grip but that she'd had to sacrifice her hold on the Kokiri Sword to get it, which disappeared into the depths. The Zora tried to force the dagger closer, but for all its technology and home advantage, it didn't have her brute warrior strength. Applying a little more power, she began to force it back towards the thing's face. The Zora opened its caught hand and let the dagger drop from it. It floated slowly down between their bodies. Ruto's hand came round and grabbed it as it fell, dodged the sluggish hand halfway to intercepting it, and stabbed it through Link's heart.

Or so Ruto thought. If Link had been a Zora the wound would've been fatal. Thankfully for her, one important part of the Zora's training on how human physiology differed from the Zora's, and the dagger was now located in Link's lower human abdomen than her Zoran heart. Still, it hurt like crap. The dagger dug in halfway to the hilt and would've continued on to skewer her kidneys had she not brought her fist down on the Zora's arm, not with speed but with enough strength. The fish lady backed off, clutching her arm. Link took the opportunity to kick for the surface and air.

Her head broke into the air just as the scaled hand wrapped tight around her ankle and yanked her back down, closing the water over her head before she even got so much as a breath. The water streamed past her as the pressure mounted in her ears, and she stared upwards through the cloud of her hair at the vanishing light. She tried swimming for the surface but the inexorable downward pull of the Zora was too strong. She tried kicking at the fist around her leg but the grip didn't lessen. If it could still fight with a broken arm, it could handle pain.

The light from the surface was gone, sealing them in the inky, cold depths and then the hand had gone. She kicked desperately for the surface but something cold and lank wrapped and tightened around her calf. Another wrapped around ankle and drew tight in a knot. The damn Zora was thinking of tying her up and leaving her to drown!

Clenching her teeth, she grasped the handle of the dagger digging into her side and pulled. The pain of it doubled but, with a feeling of like a hole in a tooth, it came free. She sliced viciously at the seaweed, cutting herself in the process, but freeing herself and swam away. She swam for a whole five seconds before she realized she didn't even know which way was up anymore. She should've seen light by now. She paused and reached out in the hope of finding anything to give her a sense of orientation. Her right hand brushed a flat, smooth, surface, like crystal or glass. She traced along it and found a sharp, clean edge.

That was all the time she had to examine it before sharp little teeth bit into her tender left arm. What air was left in her lungs bubbled out in a scream. She swung her left arm round, bringing the owner of the teeth's head smashing into the thing her right hand had found.

There was a musical chime. The thing beneath her right hand suddenly lit-up, revealing itself to a large, regular-shaped crystal set into lichen covered stone. It glowed with a soft inner light, illuminating the body of the Zora, floating upside down, dead or unconscious, with a little cloud of blue blood coming from a cut on its head. Then there was the grinding of cogs and part of the wall beneath the crystal slid open. The water flooded in and Link was pulled in after it, spinning, tumbling, the water roaring in her ears, the deep murk replaced only by the thicker darkness of unconsciousness.

* * *

Coughing, retching, she fought her way back to consciousness, though she knew there'd be nothing pleasant waiting for her when she reached it. She came too, already groaning and wishing she could go back to sleep, and found she was lying in a shallow pool of water, with milk-coloured stone beneath her cheek. Her left arm and her lungs and her side were all jostling in line to file complaints to her brain, but she pushed them to the back of her mind until she'd taken in her situation.

Against the wishes of her body, she pulled herself up a little onto her elbows. She was lying in a corridor made of the afore mentioned slabs of pale stone, which reminded her a lot of the Temple of Time. Had she actually been lucky enough to find herself inside the Temple of Water? Possibly: she'd already come up against a very determined and dangerous Zora armed to the teeth today and her luck had to balance out sooner or later.

The corridor sloped down one way into water and to a dark hole that must lead back to the Lake. She must've been pulled in when the water rushed in and left high and relatively dry when it subsided. Down the other end of tunnel it seemed to enter a well-lit room..

There was no sign of the Zora.

As she neared the end of the corridor, she found herself coming out into a large, square room. The corridor came out at the top, then there was a drop of a few meters below her to crystal-clear water, then thirty meters or so below the surface was the bottom. Set into the wall across the room was a ledge on which was only a big, ornate, and overall important-looking door. If I was somebody evil and important, that's where I'd be, Link thought, but how to get to it? There was no way she could jump the gap and the water level was meters below the ledge-

With a gurgling and rattle of pipes from within the temple walls, the room began to flood. Water was pumped in from somewhere and the level of it continued to rise until it was up to the corridor and the ledge. Praising her change of luck again, she prepared to dive in.

A blue arm wrapping around her shoulders stopped her. She yelped, bit it, but the person behind her calmly placed a bandaged hand over her mouth and pointed down into the water. Looking down, she saw the Zora through the clear water exiting one of the tunnels at the very bottom of the room. It surfaced quickly and clambered onto the ledge, without even a glance around. It seemed almost to skip to the door, as if eager. The heavy chains slid away as she neared, the door opened, and she moved through into the room beyond. The door slammed behind it.

Shiek removed his hand from Link's mouth and they both whispered, 'sorry'.

He just shrugged off the bite marks now sunk into his arm and smiled. "I guess we're even now. How's yours?"

Link waved her arm for him to see. The raw skin had peeled off while she was unconscious exposing fresh, pink. "Hero of Time remember. Fast healer."

"Neat." He went to the edge and dipped a toe in the water. "Wonder if I get that."

"Well, yeah, maybe, _if_ you were the Hero of Time. Which you're not."

"Oh, right, sorry," Shiek blushed. "I wasn't meaning to annoy you. Hey, I'm sure when the time comes the Master Sword will chose you. I'd just like the opportunity to protect you until then." He carefully lowered one unsure leg into the water and began the slow, arduous process of lowering in the other.

Link smirked. "You can't swim, can you?" She dived in. "So much for protecting me, Hero. Grab my shoulders, I'll ferry you across."

He clung onto her with a tightness that she preferred to put down to hydrophobia. Thankfully he knew where to put his hand so he didn't get ditched halfway. She trod water while he, seemingly unwilling to let go, clambered awkwardly up onto the ledge. He lowered a hand to pull her up and she pointedly ignored it.

The door remained unchained. "So nice of her to clear the Temple for us," Link commented.

Walking to the door, she examined it and ran a hand over the gilded surface; there was no handle and it didn't open to her touch. "Magic words?"

"It probably only responds to proximity of the Big Key."

She pressed her ear to the ornate metal of the door. Sounds of chaos came from within: yells, sporadic fire, and an odd squealing noise. Plasma shot drummed against the other side of the door.

"Sounds like she's enjoying herself," Link smirked. "How many of these Big Keys are there?"

"Just the one Ruto has I'm afraid...She is the Zora who's trying to kill us," he added as explanation to Link's curious look. "However, my tutor once taught me a spell for opening doors. I'm not sure if it'll work on such doors but..."

Stepping in front of the door, he raised his arms above his head. Link cleared her throat.

"Wouldn't it be best to let one of them kill the other first before we go in? Then we finish the last one off while they're tired and catching their breath. Not very heroic I know but...well...fun."

Shiek shook his head. "To be honest, I would prefer that you didn't kill the Zora. She is the Princess after all and killing her will do nothing for international relationships."

"We have International Relations?"

"We once had ones I'm hoping to retrieve. Saving her life or helping her defeat a monster, while not glossing over seven years of all out warfare between our countries, may help create some sense of camaraderie and pave the way for talk. It would show her what we can achieve if we work together, as we once did."

"Good luck with _that,_" Link scoffed. "...but if she tries to shoot me with that thing again, I'm killing her, OK?"

"If she so much as aims it at you, she'll have my sword in her before she can even pull the trigger. Ready?"

"And waiting."

"By the way, it's very probable that whatever faces us beyond this door will be insanely huge, dangerous, and composed mostly of teeth. I'm therefore also assuming you're wanting to go first."

"Naturally. I'm glad to see you're finally getting it," Link smiled.

A ball of gold light suddenly blossomed between Shiek's up stretched hands. The same golden energy flowed over the surface of the door, which vibrated, shuddered, and then rose.

"Looks like we've found a use for you after all," Link said. Shiek beamed.

A great deal of steam flowed out of the room beyond, and they peered into it, as plasma shots illuminated the clouds like lightning bolts. They made out what could've, with its tidily tiled walls and floor, been a swimming baths, if it weren't for the bizarre scene going on in it. A square pool about five meters wide was set into the centre of the floor and the Zora was on the edge; dodging, ducking, and firing her gun at the water in it. And the water was _attacking_ back. Long tendrils of water rose of the pool and launched themselves at her, most of them missing, and smashing and bursting against the half-tiled, half-spiked walls; some of them delivering blows.

Ruto caught sight of them and unmistakably swore in her own tongue. "I thought you were dead," she screamed at Link "Your heart wasn't beating."

A tentacle crept over the rim of the pool and weaved its way hurriedly along the ground between the Heroes of Time and out of the room. At the same time, a round something about the size of a horse's head appeared and started to travel down the length of the tentacle. Apart from a few squiggles and blobs within it, it looked as though it were made of jelly.

"Don't let it leave!" the Zora screamed, now concentrating all fire on the glob. The shots hit the tentacle, and bits exploded into steam, but the damage to the Ameba inside was minimal. It carried on doggedly. Before it could even reach a few meters, two Master Swords swung at the tentacle, splitting the surface tension skin of it so that it popped. The Ameba started to bounce for the door but met Link's boot coming the other way and was propelled back into the room. A line of plasma fire followed its arc as it flew, but failed to hit it, and it bounced off the wall and into the pool.

"What is _that_?" Link yelled.

"Like I'd tell you, land scum. Now get in line and I'll kill you when I'm finished."

The water controlling ameba now nestling safely at the bottom of the pool launched an all-out attack, drawing up a dozen thin tentacles all at once. The princess fired on them, managing to take out a couple before they reached her, but the others wrapped around her arms, legs, throat, and a couple more started to pummel her. One tentacle tried to wrap around the weapon but recoiled as it let off a static charge.

"Do you require our assistance, your highness?" Shiek asked as calmly and politely as if he was offering to help her find a missing watch.

"I'd rather die!" she screamed back. The tendril holding her leg down evaporated as she craned her gun-hand just enough to shoot it but it was immediately pinned down again by two more.

"How convenient," Link said. "Look, Ruto, no offence, but you're kinda getting beaten black and...a darker shade of blue. You might not have heard of us but we're Hero's of Time...or...I am anyway. We're really experts at killing these things. It's our job. So if you promise not to shoot us when we free you, we'll clean up this little problem here."

The Zora said something which came out as "Mmmffg!" through the tentacle now wrapped round her face.

"Was that a yes?"

The Zora raised its middle webbed finger at them.

"Let's just assume it was before it kills her," Shiek said, leaping forward.

The Boss had been neutral towards them up to then. When they started slashing at the limbs binding Ruto, it turned on them. They suddenly found themselves hacking through a thicket of tentacles so thick and fast and from so many directions they found themselves backing up against the wall beneath the onslaught, though Link refused to stand back to back from fear of it looking too much like a last stand. Something dug into the back of her shin and she felt blood run down her ankle; glancing down, she noticed the base of the wall was lined with a row of spikes.

Nothing but the spray of water from destroyed tentacles was getting through the blur of blades the two of them formed, but they'd tire or (being Heroes of Time) eventually erode. They were doing no damage to the ameba however.

"I'm going for the thing," Link yelled. Cover me!"

"In what?" Shiek called after her but she was already weaving and slashing her way out. He tried to follow but a tendril wrapped around his foot and he went down, landing on the tiles next to the Princess, who looked quite disgusted by their display of tactics and ability. He felt himself being pinned, sword hand trapped against the floor. He tried to think back to Impa's lessons; the hours in the courtyard sparring with Shiekan fighting techniques, trapped in the musty castle library learning spells by heart, and, worst of all, visits to that horrible old witch they actually _allowed_ to stay on the grounds...

"Din's fire!"

At the sound of the seemingly random war cry, Link turned. A wall of liquid fire expanded out from Shiek's position, pushing back the tentacles, though unfortunately heading in her direction. Her heart stopped. It carried on relentless towards her, blistering and shattering the tiles it touched. Crap. No other place for it. Out of the fire and into the frying pan...

The wall of flame whooshed overhead as she dived into the pool.

The water, which had looked placid from above, was very much alive. It buffeted her hard, almost knocking the air in her lungs out, the water feeling like balled fists as it ploughed repeatedly into her gut. She felt pressure against her lips and realized it was trying to force itself down her throat. Her eyes stung as invisible, finger-like appendages stabbed into them, but she kept them open until the ameba was in her sights. It was at the far end of the pool, bobbing about in a little twister of water of its own creation. She tried to swim for it but the currents fought against her, pulling her even further away and at the same time keeping her from surfacing.

Drowned twice in one day, she thought bitterly, as she tumbled through the water, buffeted from all sides, her left hand scrabbling through her pockets, whilst her right hand, which had found the Zora's dagger, lined up and threw. The dagger made it a few feet before the malicious water clamped around it and dragged it to the bottom. Her other hand came out of her pocket, having located the mysterious hook-shooting thing she'd picked up in Kakariko. It was worth a shot. The pointed the hook and fired.

The hook cut through the water much better than the knife, chain trailing out behind, though it missed the ameba by a foot., slamming into the pool side and splintering and sinking into tiles. Then the mechanisms in the handle reversed and the chain rewound. The hook stayed firm in the wall and she found herself pulled through the water. She sank her fingers into the soft outer layer of the cell as she passed and slammed it into the wall. The grip of the water around her tightened into a choking hug, crushing the air entirely from her lungs. She smashed the cell against the wall again and kept smashing it until it had split and the little squiggles and balls inside had floated out, and the water had let go of her.

She allowed herself to float to the surface. A bandaged hand grabbed her by the shirt and heaved and she let the unpleasant remains drop from her fingers. She collapsed on the tiles, clutching at her mauled eyes and trying not to scream.

"What the hell was that fire thing?" she snapped. "You almost killed me."

"Din's fire. I learnt it off a Great Fairy once. You didn't need to worry, it's perfectly harmless to friends."

"I'm so honored that you consider me a friend," a cold voice spat.

Link looked up, wiping the blood from her vision. Ruto was climbing to her feet. The MFD was still in her hands and you could tell by the grin on her face that she knew it. That thing was really starting to piss Link off.

Though her body was beaten, bloody, and exhausted, Ruto managed to lift the gun to point at them. Shiek looked offended and took a stop forward, sliding his sword back into its sheath, arms outstretched. Link stared in horror. Did he have any idea the suicide he'd just committed by performing that pose? Nobody had ever done that pose to an enemy and come out unscathed.

"Princess, I can assure you we come only in the spirit of go-"

BLAM! The bowling ball sized ball of plasma hit him square in the chest, lifting him off his feet, throwing him with an agonizing bone crunch into the wall. Link was already seeking vengeance before he'd even hit the ground. She knew he was dead. Nobody could've survived that. She ran at Ruto, ignoring the plasma shots and her luck held out long enough for her to reach Ruto, and bring the Master Sword down on the gun, tearing through the metal and ripping it in two. The barrel fell to the floor. Ruto hammered at the trigger of her useless half a gun, her eyes going suddenly wide. Link's hand came round her throat and lifted her up.

"Don't you have any sense of honour? He was offering you peace, you little-"

Shiek! She discarding the Zora, no longer a threat without its technology, and ran back across the room. Shiek was laid out, face-down, a river of blood already starting to flow from under her and run down into the pool, staining the tiles and the water. He was still. Too still. Unsure, at a loss of what to do, what to feel, she knelt next to him and, after a little think, patted him on the shoulder.

She should say something, something meaningful...

"I wouldn't exactly say you died a hero's death, but you're definitely a Hero of Time."

"...not...dead..." said a voice from the dead head pressed against the tiles.

That threw her. "You're kidding me."

His body was suddenly wracked with choking gasps, which were either him laughing or dying.

"A big ball of fire hits you in the stomach and you're telling me you're not dead?" Link made sure, in case Shiek had made some mistake.

"Found some...amour."

Gently, Link rolled him over. The front of his shirt was scorched off, revealing the light-blue tunic underneath. It was made of soft, overlapping scales of fabric or half-liquid metal, though most of them were melted together now and parts had been scorched away. It'd stopped the ball from completely blowing off his torso. But by the looks of things, it hadn't been enough to stop all the projectile energy of it. She ran a wary hand over the chest beneath the amour and felt too soft tissue, bits of bone, and a weakly fluttering heart.

"Stole it...froma...shop..." Shiek grinned, weak but proud. He gave another wracking cough, expelling more blood from his grin, and closed his eyes. Link scooped him up. The familiar circle of light was pulsating out of the floor. The Zora was still curled in the corner when Link ascended it, Shiek dying in her arms.


	19. Chapter 19

_The chapter is easily the corniest thing ever written and I didn't dare upload it for like two months, but the need to post a link to the best cosplay ever outweighed the need to avoid the worst chapter ever._

_Oh, darn. doesn't allow links. And rightly so. But darn__ anyway. It was probably the most adorably display of Link cosplaying evar._

_sigh_

_Anyway, on with the corrnball. _

* * *

This was wrong. Very wrong. Now was not an apt time for things to be wrong!

The Temple of Light wasn't there. As far as Link could tell, nothing was there. Or here, rather, as she plummetted through the place where the Temple of Light wasn't.

If you could even call it plummeting. There wasn't a down to plummet towards. It was void. All that existed was Sheik, held so tightly against Link that she was terrified she was hurting him. But she didn't dare let up her grip on him for a second, because the void was closing in. She could feel it. The darkness knew they were there and it was growing closer, desiring to tear them away from each other. It feared and despised them.

Ugly red light coursed around them and tore into them, like thousands of frozen, serrated claws and hot, fanged mouths,

"Goddess damn it," Link whispered, her face pressed tightly into Sheik's wet, matted hair. "After all we did they send us to the Dark World."

"Mebbe. . . 'f you stop. . . blasphem'n'. . . all the time. . . " Sheik said weakly, through a grin and a grimace.

She wanted to laugh but she couldn't. The pain was terrible, but she could handle it. What hurt most was knowing that Sheik was nearly gone, and there was nothing she could do. Anything she could do would only make him worse. She wanted to hold him as tight as her (considerable) strength would allow, to feel close to him, and safe, but she knew that would likely tear him in two. She felt a weird compulsion to kiss his bloodied lips before he died, but:

a) he was struggling to breathe already, and

b) that was gross

She would have to settle for words.

"I love you."

The release was something beautiful. The pain was gone. The blackened evil fell away, repulsed, sent screaming back to the void, which was now considerably less voidy. Wrapped tightly together in a prism of blue energy, they floated through the dwindling emptiness, as platforms of light began to blink on in the darkness, spilling over already with the same blue energy. Their little cacoon bound them too tightly to see, but beneath her breast she could feel his heart beating strongly. The scorched skin up his neck and face was now smooth and unbroken.

He wasn't going to die.

Slowly, he opened his eyes, smiled, and said, "your arm is better."

She would have hit him if there had been room. "Never mind my arm!"

He smiled again. The blood around his mouth had gone too. She guessed it wouldn't be as gross to kiss him now, even if he was a guy. Unfortunately, his mouth was being used right now to make words.

"I love you too."

Their little cacoon alighted gently on a large, circular platform of blue, and dissipated. There was room now. She hit him.

* * *

Rauru watched the two of them fight (or rather, Link fight and scream and claim that she'd been meaning to say 'I love yoghurt', whilst Sheik accepted it unconditionally). He would have smiled or praised Link for her display of a perfect Nayru's Love, but, for the time being, he was immaterial, too weak even to assume a physical form. Ganondorf's attack on the Temple of Light had been devestating. Every defence had been compromised, the walls breached. The Sorcerer's evil had filled the very heart of the Sacred Realm and the Ancient Sage had been powerless to stop it.

The first vestiges of power began to arrive in from the Temple of Water. A dozen or so particles, the first of many that would go on to become the new corporeal form of old Rauru, were tugged together through the air. They aligned themselves, like a constellation of stars, into the faint outline of a man. Three of the particles rearranged themselves into what might have been a smile.

As cornball as it sounded, there was a power in the world greater than anything he or Ganondorf or the sages combined wielded. He knew little of love, sometimes wishing he had spent his time as a man on Hyrule learning more of it, but he had always, secretly, held the greatest respect for Nayru.

And he did know that they wouldn't win this battle without love.

Of course, two Master Sword's helped too. . .

Link had just landed a particularly satisfying right hook on Sheik. Rauru almost felt sorry for her, as she raged so futilely against her own destiny. They were fated to love each, the Goddesses' would see to that, even if it meant a bizarre and improbable series of events.

Still, time waits for no man (though it does occasionally go seven years backwards and forwards). He would need to rebuild the dimensional defenses before Ganondorf struck again. And they - he gestured with a pseudohand, and a ring of blue light appeared around them to whisk them back to Hyrule - had a considerable amount of adventuring still to do.

* * *

They had a quiet moment in the Temple of Time. 


End file.
